crossroads

I hope I do not lose my grip on strength.

Sometimes I also get tired of dealing with attitudes. That includes my own.

I am listening to Paolo Coelho while I am writing this.

I heard him say that when he was in the mental institution, he was free to do what he wanted to do (because everyone else is branded as "crazy").

In the real world, one seems to be always wrong. Yet everyone else do crazy things.

on being silent

When I am with someone I often feel if I am liked or not.

It becomes a mystery to me if the person I am with is silent.

There must be a reason.

It could be I screwed up or I did not.

I should be told.

team-building activity

Last Sunday we were honored to have our boss, Sir Lal with us on this team-building activity. We had lots of fun with one another and I hope this activity made us all solid as a group. We went to Samal Island.

The last time I was in that place was when I brought my family and my father to the same place. While I was walking along the shores, I remembered him sitting on the water and talking to my children.

Now, he is gone. So very quick.

Singh is King

The staff and I were treated by our boss to one Indian dinner. It was sumptous and really exotic to my tongue.

I love the chapati, Indian flatbread. I spread some yogurt on it and ate it with the mongo (ha ha I forgot the name). I had 2 servings of it because my boss heard me say "I love this". It has black mung beans with "I am not sure what other stuff are in there". Ohh I was not sure if I was perspiring or had runny nose because it was spicy, anyway it was palatable to me.

The other dish with Garbanzos is fine with me. But plain to my taste. The same as the chicken dish. The rice dish was great also. I only tasted these other dishes but I liked most the mung beans, that brought my stomach really growling later at night.

The ice cream was so "yummy". The yogurt was great, too.

I am not so used to eating Indian food but this experience gave me the opportunity to love it. What was even great was that I had it with my boss and the rest of the staff.

sound of silence

I am such a natural (extremely) silent and when with "loud" people...loud also... kind of a person. Well, some people who do not know me gets crazy around with me whenever I got those swings.

I have always been that way even when I was a kid. I remember enjoying the beach alone, staring nowhere and wondering always "what is there". But when some friends would join me, I could also be so wild with them running around the beach and kidding around.

I promise that I will be silent today. And I do hope that even if I get triggered, I won't be rattled. I want to practice calmness once more.

I think I forgot being calm for such a long time now. I have to.

borrowed polo shirt

I was ironing my son's polo shirt (not his) and I was full of sentiments again because months from now, he will be in College and I am still broke. I do not know how to break that spell har har har.

Karlsen is so busy with all his activities in school and I cannot attend anymore to his needs. This polo shirt (I was ironing) was his classmate's and because I did not have time to buy him a new one for the dance today, he "borrowed".

My son, whom I do not hear complain much, just understands that there is no way I can buy him a new polo shirt. And makes me feel like I am so blessed with children who are not so demanding.

I would have gone crazy doing things to give them what they want.

I remember my own father who would do anything to provide us.


BY THE WAY, HE LOOKS DASHING IN THAT BORROWED POLO SHIRT. And because he looks really good today, he forgot to wear his ID so I have to go back to school from the office to give it back.

boss vs kids

I had a tough time pleasing my boss today!

I feel bad. Hope I have a different story tomorrow.

When I go home, it is tougher to be a mom!

But my kids love me the way I am.

My boss does not!

missing Kaiser

I thought, when my son became a father, that it was not the right time yet.

I think I was right in many ways, but there is just no way to question what it was that happened.

I might also be wrong. Maybe with this new set-up, Kaiser will prove to be his best especially that he got Baby Zak around.

I miss my son but I do not wish him to be forever clinging. It hurts me when I hear him say he is struggling.

I have not heard from him. It's the thought of him that made me go back to church last Sunday. I worry for him because he is not around me. If he will be around me, he will not learn his way with life.

I love him much. My other two children, I love much too. But he has chosen to leave me early. And hope he understands that I respect his decision and now I am letting him go.

feeling comforted

My heart was pounding loosely last night!

I did not know what to think for a reason. I thought it was something to do with my work. I dreaded doing that especially that I got a habit of thinking largely about decisions when I am lying down in the comforts of our sofa bed.

I sleep in the sala with my son. On that sofa bed with my favorite comforter, I feel rich. I feel comforted.

My God, life could really be that simple, and why are things complicated sometimes?

my laundry, my life

Doing the laundry is fun, but with a truckload of clothes and beddings? It was exhausting.

Yesterday, I was so occupied with our laundry. Doing it seemed to be not a problem with me when I was not working but since I worked on a regular time in the store, I am not able to cope with it.

I was so exhausted that I slept in between. I slept at around 11 am right after the first set. And around 3 pm the second set. And I thanked God at around 6 pm for getting through it.

taking it back

Yesterday I said something harsh to my mother.

Today, I take it back.

I realized that I should not really be harsh to something that is friction (alized!!!!). I dreamt of death last night and I think my mother could be having some pains in her body that could not be contained...maybe her anger towards me is the only way that that pain could be released.

It is okey then, even if it is not okey with me.

I now receive all her wrath for the soul of my father. In memory of my father, I should just take stride everything.

special mention for cruelty

My mother is not that gracious and kind. She gets my award for "special mention for cruelty".

When she was here with me for many months, I think there was once or twice that I answered back because of really so "not like an ordinary mother" treatment to me. Since then, I did not talk to her.

Nobody will understand this.

But I got to be heard that there are really biological mothers that could kill their own children. My mother could be the top 5.

I just did not develop that kind and loving relationship with her. And I am glad I was able to express my love to my grandmothers. Now that my grandmothers are gone, I do not know if I care.

Now, I like to love my children. Coz it sucks to have a mother like mine that I cannot even describe.

And I really hope I do not turn out to be like her.

got nothing

I just had lunch.

I had pancit with nothing in there but I think 4 pieces of chicken chunk and 3 cuts of carrots. But amazingly good at my palate. Or I have been really contemplating a lot I did not notice if the taste was amazing or terrible.

With my pancit is cassava cake. Not the best one but good too.

HHHmmmm just trying to be at my best, when I got really nothing.