daughters I never had

A HAPPY AND GREAT 2010 TO ALL!!!

With my 2009 disastrous journey, I am still lucky to survive and wrap-up the year with some good things that happened towards the end of that fateful year.

2009 made me closer to both my nieces from the other side of the family. Thea (on the left)) is the daughter of my sister Cristina and Gayle (on the right) is the daughter of my brother-in-law). I often refer to them as "the other niece" when I am talking to one of them. And they have grown accustomed to that "terms of reference".

I was thinking that God has given them to me to be able to exercise rearing females. Would I be so cool to my own daughter the same way as I am to my nieces? Would I be strict to my own daughter? How would I talk to my own daughter?

But because I do not have one, I really do not have to think about that. I already have daughters in the person of my nieces.

It was fun to see them together last December 29.

Now on my first day of 2010, I am kind of expectant for some great things to happen. I woke up late because of the countdown last night but I felt extraordinarily light.

I sincerely wish you all the best for this year!!

Engkwentro won at Venice Film Festival

I am from Davao City. The movie is about Davao's vigilantes. I have not watched the film yet but since it gave honor to the Philippines I am happy about it.

I am a witness to the killings but because I know that these children / young adults do not have lives to live, I would rather see them in their death than living dangerously and giving risks to the good people of this city.

Giving interventions to them seemed futile because they live in such dysfunctional families and murky life with drugs and so very indiscriminate sex. I happen to know at least eight of them.

I see these children peaceful in death than living. I am sorry but if other people get the chance to see how these children live, understand how they think and smell their feelings, you would say they are better-off "six feet below the ground".

I happen to love them too. I have been to their funerals and have cried tears for them but I see light in their death. I see them saved in death.

Christmas lights all over

Can't write. Can't write. Can't write....
Gotta go...

Christmas Threat

My son Angelo got fever two days before Christmas. And for the succeeding two days until Christmas Eve, both of us were in and out of the hospital, more than worried about his platelets count slipping almost below normal. And the fear of dengue fever was there.

I was packing his things for the admission to the hospital when I recalled that almost the same time last year, I was packing mine, to go to my sick father in Manila. So I was not sure what I was feeling, I just want to make sure all my son's needs will be inside that bag. Drive him to the hospital and bring him to the laboratory for the CBC count once more.

Angelo was so scared about getting hospitalized. And his hand swelled and hurt from all those previous blood extractions. I was not thinking of Christmas, I was trying to address all my son's issues about injections and dengue.

But on Christmas Eve he was out of danger.

I was not able to prepare for Christmas because of the incident. But I managed to clean 2 medium- sized milkfish which I stuffed with tomatoes, onions, ginger and garlic. I also marinated pork belly for the children who loves barbeque. While cooking in the front yard, we were on Skpe with my niece Thea and her whole family in Quezon City. I also got to talk with Omar in the US.

My son, Karlsen with the 2 milkfishes on the charcoal.

And here I was so very tired on Christmas Eve!

Christmas shots

Christmas fun

How was your Christmas?

For Christmas 2009 I attended only 1 party. And it was not a Christmas party. It was the birthday of Gaga's (my bestfriend) son Gabriel. She has a big family so there was really a crowd. I brought along my mother and 2 kids who had fun with everyone.

I gulped 2 bottles of beer. Because for some time I was out of alcohol, I was surprisingly tipsy after the two bottles.

I sang lots of songs from the videoke. Danced. Horsed around.

Laughed and talked a lot too. That was my Christmas!

great to be back

dyarannnnn! I am back!

Next month, GLAZEDBLISS will be one year. That angel was glazedbliss when I first wrote for a blog! Oh I am just feeling a little bit sentimental because I was gone for 2 days.

I was gone for me to finish writing something where I earned some bucks he he he! It was badly needed. I am happy that it was given to me. Sometimes I feel God's work by giving me such an opportunity.

I hope that opportunity to write and earn will multiply.

Be with me angel!

Economics and Christmas

Where is the Philippines in the economic standing of all countries in the world? Or maybe Asia?

"We like to stress the point that the Philippines had never entered the recession. Our economic performance though was a deceleration from the strong growth of 4.6 percent in the third quarter of 2008," he added.

Santos said the Philippine economy joined other economies with positive GDP growth in the third quarter.

These countries were China (8.9 percent), Vietnam (5.8 percent), Indonesia (4.2 percent), Singapore (0.6 percent), and South Korea (0.6 percent).

Countries which posted a contraction were Japan (-4.4 percent), Thailand (-2.8 percent), Hong Kong (-2.4 percent), and Malaysia (-1.2 percent).

Overseas Filipinos (OF) remittances boosted gross national product (GNP) growth to 3.5 percent in the third quarter.

Total OF remittances in dollar terms grew by 6.9 percent in the same quarter, which mainly caused the 26.0 percent growth in Net Factor Income from Abroad (NFIA).

The economy’s growth was supported by services (4 percent) and agriculture (1.6 percent). The industry sector still contracted (-4.4 percent), pulled down by manufacturing (-7.6 percent) and utilities (-2.2 percent).

Private consumption was modest at 4 percent while government consumption remained healthy, at 7.9 percent.

Capital formation slumped by 11.3 percent mainly on account of durable equipment (-5.7 percent) and the further drawing down of inventories.

Construction investments remained afloat at 1.7 percent, as the cushioning effect of the stimulus package continued.

External trade growth is improving yet still remains negative at -13.6 percent for total exports.

"Indeed, the global crisis is not over, but the worst is over. We have reasons to be more confident," Santos said.

source: http://www.gov.ph/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2002336&Itemid=2


That is so positive and I want to believe it even if my own economy is so bad. Filipinos just do not appreciate some good things about our country. I hope there will come a time when Filipinos check their lifestyle before cursing the Philippine economy for all their woes.

I started with talks of economy because even if so many Filipinos are complaining of being poor, sometimes I just do not believe it when I see so many people in the malls go "shop till you drop". Simple Mathematics will show that if one shops then there is money to buy. Wherever the money is coming from there is money going around.

I am just an onlooker now. I feel happy when I see rich and poor Filipinos spending endlessly especially on Christmas. Everyone gets gifts, money and food is everywhere. Families have reunions. It feels so wonderful.

I hope every Filipino realizes that even if we are not as rich as other countries in the world, we are at par with happiness. Christmas for Filipinos started last September. Other countries start it later. One Filipino would have attended at least 3 Christmas parties aside from the Christmas Eve gathering. Aren't we the "chosen people", if that is the case?

Let us be positive. Even if we do not understand the economics language let us be joyful for the blessings.

Yes, I have to be joyful on this day.

My President in 2010

Politics is not my turf.

I wanted to put some sense and morals into it even if I know it will never be the future of politics (ever!) here in my country and even in the whole world. But I always wanted to believe that with the people's vigilance, people up there also gets rattled and minimize some of their dirt.

When the Italian Prime Minister was attacked, I felt that he deserved it. When the Ampatuans were summoned and some jailed, I also felt that they deserve more than that. If Hell is somewhere here, I think it is the Palaces and government seats of power.

But I still want to believe that there could be someone that I have to trust to run my country. Power is business and that is the way, countries run. Someone should lead. I want a leader who is strong. I fought Ferdinand Marcos' dictatorship when I was in college. I knew that he abused some of his powers but after him, all of the Presidents even the beloved Corazon Aquino abused that seat. But none of them ran the Philippines like Ferdinand Marcos.

Because he is smart and knows economics. The Philippines is alive because of his intelligence. I want a strong leader like him. And an intelligent one.

Well, I cannot choose Noynoy. Nothing personal but I would love to see him take care of his nephews and nieces better than running the country.

Manny Villar before C5 is credible to me but I agree he got midas touch with his business. He can stay with it and make more money than serve the country. I will feel great to see another Filipino millionaire outside of the Presidential Palace.

Dick Gordon made wonders with Subic. I still admire him but I think I do not want him in the Palace.

The rest of the Presidential candidates, I just cannot stomach. Sometimes I just hate this democratic process wherein everyone who feels like running and winning, do run.

Oh God, I hope this time the Filipinos do make a right choice. Even with my weak heart my mind is headstrong for Gilbert Teodoro. He is perfect for my President. I am just sad that I will send him to Hell - the Presidential Palace. He can fight some evil there.

Lets VOTE GIBO!

Growl Tiger!

For many weeks now, news about Tiger Woods was everywhere. I said to myself I should not write about him. But when he decided for an indefinite leave in golf, that was shocking to me.

I am not his biggest fan. And golf is alien to me. But I saw him in a couple of games he played. And I think he has a gift. But all I know about him is all flitting.

I do not know how it feels to be a celebrity. It could be tough way up there especially when everyone sees when you make a wrong move. Everyone seems to "run" your life. But I believe, celebrities like Tiger should take extra precautions and be responsible in many ways with their actions.

To some extent, people all over the world would want to run your life because they are a part of your millions of dollars in income. Every time one buys a Tiger Woods cap or rubber shoes, he/she feels connected with a Tiger Woods. Nike and other endorsements gave Tiger millions and millions of dollars.

If I was his wife, I might really be very busy with such a "bank reserve" (LOL). I might not hit Tiger with a golf club. I might just be civil with him and take care of my children. I might want to request for 3 more children from him. I might always be busy with some charity works so even if he is busy with 3 or more women, I would still feel complete. I might wait and probably wait until such time he realizes that a wife is always there but mistresses do come and go. Or I will probably flirt with some guys too. But stick to my marriage with the only Tiger Woods in the whole world.

But I think that is a "middle class" thought. Probably wives of celebrities have some other needs.

Tiger Woods come back! Nearly everyone forgets mistakes especially because you are one Tiger Woods.

http://web.tigerwoods.com/index

convergence of birds

I was in my son's school (University of Mindanao) early in the morning last Wednesday. Even if he is in College, I still bring him to school everyday. But today I have to explain about some delays of his documents from a former school so I had a chance to loiter around the Engineering Laboratory Building while waiting for the offices to open.

As I approached the quadrangle in the center, I got excited because I happen to hear birds. "Lots of them", I thought because their sound is all over. I was kind of amazed because "that could be a thousand or more birds up there or probably in a cage. " But I was glad there was no cage. I always have a strange feeling that I have a strong connection with birds. I feel good when there are birds around because it means "safety". If there is no harm for them, the same way it is , with us people. Back home, when it is time to trim my trees, I do it "partly this and partly that" so they will not lose their nests.

I also was not able to write something about my piece on climate change and some ways I can help. I want these birds to multiply and multiply. They are a part of the poetry of life here on earth. If I can help them survive, I also help our Mother Earth.

I recorded the birds sound but of course my celfone did not produce the most clear copy. It did not really do justice to the sound of the birds.




http://www.birds.com/education/research-studies/

the most popular word

I thought of it because even here in the Philippines, Fuck seems to be slowly going through on the mainstream (I meant, it seems to be a normal thing to hear).

When I watch TV, of course this is dominated by American TV shows and I can't believe that it is such a normal word to say when one is screwed/sometimes even not, in a script. The movies (dominated by Americans, again) got the most of my vote. I do not exactly count but at the end of the day, I get fucked-up with hearing the word "fuck" several times usually with American music, TV and movies.

I say, many of their movies are truly great, I just noticed how the word "fuck" and "suck" is everywhere "in" there.

Have you noticed? Even young children just have a poised way of saying it.

Am I complaining? Not exactly, I am more examining than complaining. I myself say that word during times that I am lost for a more obnoxious word.

I love the English vocabulary. This is the second language that I am comfortable with. I cannot even write this straight in my own Filipino language. But sometimes, words like this is so contagious, we might think of how is it affecting a people's culture. Especially the children.

If one person screws-up or make mistakes an average of 15 ( the most conservative number I can think) a day and with a million of people saying it each day, FUCK could be the most popular word in the English vocabulary!

What do you think?

unbreak my heart

I was at the doctors clinic last Tuesday and although I like bringing my children to their doctor for check-up, it is a routine that I hate for myself.

But I have to submit myself for ECG just to check on my heart. I have been so extremely sad for a couple of disasters in my life the past months. And I have to deal with all of those disasters by being so extremely happy. It could have harmed my heart.

For many months now I felt I am always running out of breath. When I am driving, I always try to loosen that seat belt on my chest because I felt so terribly pressed. When I lie down, I have to turn to one side for me to catch some air. There was a time when I have to cough (so hard) for me to sort of catch my breathe.

I am not sickly. My blood pressure is normal. My other laboratories are normal. My body is used to working physically and mentally, because I do get bored when I just sit and stare blankly.

Anyway, I am going to see my doctor tomorrow for her advise. I looked at the result of my ECG and the nurse told me, my heart is pumping below normal.

I was not surprised because I have history.

My niece called today and I told her about my heart.

When she asked how come the family always have some problems with the heart. I jokingly told her "because we are always in love".

I honestly do not know if I am just trying to be "coping" positively. Maybe. Pretty disturbing, yeaahhhh? And I have to slow down.

Help me unbreak my heart.

what were you thinking?

For me to get back to my writing mood, I really have to entertain my thoughts. It will keep on bugging me. Let me just satisfy my outrage about this matter. This is only for a few minutes anyway.

I got the best description of what the "warlord's mind" is thinking about. If there is one thing that I want to do is to go inside a "criminal's mind". How do I think if I was Hitler? What makes me decide to massacre without thinking of the consequences? How do I feel when I gun down people?

Those are questions I wanted to ask any criminal. But the sad thing is that, when the killing is done they no longer hold on to the act and reasons of the killing. They are but excited to jump on to the next killing spree if given another chance.

Criminals think they are right, the way the victims are passionate about being at the right side too.

We really have to be heard! We have to influence the minds of the children that killing is not so right.

Anyway, I got another good point.

What would such a historical/cross-cultural/psychological "warlord study" reveal ? Primarily the type of man that the German journalist Konrad Heiden termed "armed bohemians". Men who are ill-suited to achieving success in an orderly society but are acutely sensitive to minute shifts that they can exploit during times of uncertainty, coupled with an amoral sociopathology to do so ruthlessly. Paranoid and vindictive, they also frequently possess a recklessness akin to bravery and a dramatic sentimentality that charms followers and naive observers alike. Some warlords can manifest a manic energy or regularly display great administrative talents while a minority are little better than half-mad gangsters getting by, for a time, on easy violence, low cunning and lady luck.

Visit the website: http://zenpundit.blogspot.com/2007/11/psychology-of-warlord-kents-imperative.html

no news day

I had a bad habit of listening to BBC news (on tv) while I am about to take a nap ! I was about to snooze when I shifted mood! Not because of the content of the news but because the reporter who was serious talking about the teargas that was thrown to rallyists in Iran was being bugged by a big fly on her face. While she was reporting the news, the fly was so obviously seen jumping from her nose then to her eyes, to her cheeks and I was afraid it would go inside her mouth (almost)!

Oh God that was hilarious!

But I jsut admired the reporter who just kept on reporting. Not once did she tried to shoo away the fly with her hand or move her head so the fly could go. That was great!

How will the whole world feel and accept a news program without any news?

peace be with you

I am presently writing about peace education, building and development. It is kind of challenging to write an analysis and evaluation on it especially because it means writing about people's lives in areas with armed conflicts here in Mindanao.

I have done some really risky work before but reading through raw data is giving me the same terror of being there. Now I have developed some sense of obligation to share about peace. I live in Mindanao and although my city is neutral to all factions who are at war here, I still believe that writing about peace will somehow deepen my advocacy with my friends here. Here is UN's website for more information - http://www.un.org/peace/peacebuilding/

These kind of materials pokes me and remind me of the security I own. Not that much really, but the people who lives in conflict laden lands, have nothing.

Whenever they are given back their homes, most likely they are going to lose it again at another spark of gun battles. When they get some nights of peaceful sleep, they will have more nights of nightmares! But they hope and live. How does one bargain to God for security?

To take a rest from what I am writing about peace, I visited my blog to share peace with my friends here!

Republic of Love

I am kind of occupied with some writing job. You might want to watch this movie that I haven't seen. But basic instinct says, this could be a great movie. Watch it first, then tell me your notes!

Robby Benson and Shaun Cassidy

It came once in my life that I would become a wife of a famous man. Well I thought of it only for some period in time maybe because of the lure of fame, fortune and power behind that status.

Imagine this: Maria Angelina Escanan married to Robby Benson.

Yes, he was my greatest crush when I was in high school. Now, I am excited. Does anyone out there knows him? Except me probably. Because of him, I became aware of that "crazy feeling" called love. It is crazy love because he does not even know that I existed. But he was always on my mind and had lots of sleepless nights imagining that he is my boyfriend. Arrrggggghhhhhhhh!

Oh this is crazy!

There was another crush, Shaun Cassidy! I got gaga over him, almost at the same time with Robby. Robby disappeared from the limelight, so my love for him disappeared too.

Not really. This is kind of creepy but I still remember the feeling. When I hear the song, "My Fair Share", I kind of get sentimental over it. It is the theme song of the movie "One on One" where Robby Benson starred- in back in the 80s.

Where is Robby Benson now?

Oh my God!!!! Look at the picture below. He just looks so gorgeous. I like him better now. And he writes. He got a novel which was released in 2007. "Who Stole the Funny?" is the title of his book.

Robby, I don't like the title of your novel. I haven't read it though.

And we should have met. Tsk, tsk, tsk.



And where is Shaun Cassidy?

I remember buying this Shaun Cassidy album when I was in high school. Great, where is it? Lost. And we do not have the player anymore. It is the long-playing album culture, remember?

I can't seem to grab his latest picture. But I saw him. Still looking good but not as dashing as Robby Benson.

Now I am lost at what I am supposed to say.

One just realizes that they have a different world than I have. They got their own families too as much as I have. And the same way as I struggle to be a good wife and mother, they might also have their fair share of those challenges.

I admired the way they exited out of the limelight even during those times when they were so very famous. So maybe not everyone up there could be as happy as those who preferred to stay out of limelight.

get some snooze

One of my favorite leisure is sleeping. I rush to it whenever I get the opportunity and I am just mighty glad that my body responds to that need immediately.

Sleep just gives me peace inside and out. Before I go to sleep there is one thing I do: Forgive myself and others for something that made me feel heavy in my heart.

How I wish I could give this as a gift especially to people who cannot just get to sleep.

And I wanna share some thoughts about it especially for those who are denied of getting sleep:

Restlessness at night comes when you are rested during the day. Try getting on your feet as early as 5 in the morning. Get that sunlight streaming into your veins. Push and Pull a lot. Climb up the stairs. WALK and walk and walk. Rub the dirt off the walls. PERSPIRE A LOT. RUN around. Dig that soil. Plant some greens. No to caffeine. Never sleep with the sun still up in the sky. Move and extend those arms and feet. take YOUR ASS off that chair. CREATE SOMETHING. Work till you drop.

THINK RIGHT OVER WRONG.

Talk to your mind. Tell your body to sleep at 8 pm. Read till your eyes are tired. Listen to your heart. Get rid of your anger. Shun bad thoughts about others and self. Embrace affection. Save your soul. Unload grudges and guilt.

Teach your body, mind and heart to let " love " enter your system. Peace will be flowing inside your veins. Your mind will tell your eyes to close. Your heart will float in peace. Your body will be aware of how great sleep is. Your organs inside will have its natural cleansing. Your psyche will be healed. Feel your slumber!

Then you wake up renewed and looking at the brighter side of a new day!

Be blissful!

refusing plastics

For many months now I have been refusing plastic bags whenever I buy something.

When I go to the wet market for my fresh vegetables and fish, the merchants would have those "surprised look" whenever I get my own recycled plastic from my basket especially for the fish. For the fresh vegetables I just take them and put them in my basket.

I decided to do this small act for the environment because of the heavy usage and demand of plastics. I do believe this small act will go a long way. I am just happy to note that my children are becoming aware of how to take care of the environment or else they will inherit a pile of garbage that will destroy our Mother Earth.

And when I refuse, I also tell the merchants that "too much plastic destroys our environment". I also take time to explain to them that they should also encourage their customers to bring their own recycled plastics (at least) to lessen the plastic trash that also litters our oceans.

I am looking for a good material for my business too. I have to find a replacement of the plastic that I am using. I tried the brown paper bag but the moist of the chocolates easily tear it. I am looking into a box-type of packaging.

And I promise to share my thoughts about being "environment-friendly". I want to stop being an abuser of our waters, lands and air.

Hope you could share your thoughts too and I will publish it. We have to do our share in guarding and taking care of our planet. The only one we have.

face to face everyday

I was about to write something for my blog but I thought of taking a picture of what is in front of me. I had this monitor and CPU since 1999. Only had 2 major repairs that brought about changing the motherboard. And 1 hard drive installation.

I seriously and almost have junked both many times before but they seemed to be working just fine. And they seemed to want to stay for some more period of time. Not bad!

I say, I am amazed for having them all through the years. How I wish I have the black and slim LCD monitors or some new gadgets too but I think it will be me and my computer, face to face, everyday until the time it busts.

CHEERS!

Hello

Hellooooooooooo?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had a very bad experience lately of lodging a complaint at PLDT (Philippine Long Distance Telephone) because of not getting my bills for 3 months. Well, I thought I just have the right to complain because I have to monitor what is in there.

Many people actually do not go through with their bills but not me. I religiously pay my bills even if I cannot pay the whole amount. I just have the habit of checking its details for me to budget whatever money I have.

The bottom line is bills are not just bills. It explains what "I am going to shell-out my money for" and reminds of me of paying an obligation. And my stress doubles-up when I do not have enough money(har har har) to pay it. So just give me that bill, ok?

To cut the story short.

After the call that night, the messenger suddenly appeared the next day and after some argument because he kept on insisting that "I received my bills". Yes, I received all my other bills from other companies except PLDT. And his company is the service provider for the deliveries of the bills.

Oh, this messenger is kind of unique. And because I was doing my laundry and have to go somewhere after, I told him that I would just talk to PLDT and maybe your boss because we do not seem to understand each other.

And after that he shouted at me and said "If I lose my job I am going to get back to you and kill you and do something with your property".

Grrrrhhhhhh! The nerve!

When I called up PLDT, I only requested my bill now here is someone who wanted to kill me because he is going to lose his job. I am usually friendly with messengers but this one is just CRAZY!

I went back to the house and called 911. I reported him to the Police Station too, in case he is really going to kill me. Just because of that bill.

Anyways when I called up the telephone company, I only wanted to give feedback and people misinterpret it as something else. I do not even know him to put some grudge into the story.

Now, I just have the feeling that Filipinos sometimes are overbearing with comments and feedback to improve their service. Come on.

We got to be less emotional into something like this. Instead, we all have to work hard. And be the best in whatever we can.

I think that is more important than getting back to people who lodge complaints about your services. Like me.

Cristina

Sisters are not suppose to live together
Coz when they do
they wreck each other' s space
pull each other' s hairs
and bite one another, too.

But that was so long ago...

Sisters are still not suppose to live together
Coz if I do lived with her
I will throw pillows at her husband if I see him wreck my sister's heart.
I will pull her husband's hair from the bedroom towards the garage for bastardizing my sister's space.
And I will probably bite his arms until it bleeds
for every blow to her being.

Boy, I am glad I was far from my sister during that period
for if I was, I will be in jail now.

But that was a long time ago too...

In Toronto, my sister and I had all those things in the past went down the drain.

In Toronto, we were once again kids who made up for those times when she was always away with her friends. I thought she does not want me around.

In Toronto, we were also adults who accepted each one's craziness. So very unlikely when we were young, when we could have left each other' s presence.

In Toronto, we shared secrets like friends. I thought we could not be friends because she is far too perfect and I am not.

In Toronto, she made me feel special. Something I did not feel from her for such a long time because I thought she never liked me.

But now, I am whole again.
It is great to have a sister. One who is happier now. One who is tougher.
A sister who gave us Achie and Shoti.
But still far away.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRIS!

I am your thoughts writer

I created another blog. It is called "I am your thoughts writer".

I am not sure of how the blog will evolve but I am starting it with encouraging visitors to write their thoughts. I also want it to be another venue wherein I might make money through writing.

I think the market for writers is large-scale. I just do not know how to get there.

In the meantime, I keep on writing and sometimes I feel that I am in a slow pace yet. But I also do not want this to be "heavy" on my part. I just think that documenting thoughts are important.

It makes up a person's being. During my birthday, I told my friend that I wanted to look deeply into my being. I have to know and accept what is wrong with me so I will be better.

My posts in this blog are not just craziness and "spur of the moment" thing. It is a treasure. There will come a time when I will no longer be able to express my thoughts. Let these thoughts be my connection to my family even when I am long gone.

with my eucalyptus trees

It is my 45th birthday today. I had such one busy day and most of the time I was alone.
I woke up at 3:00 am. I was awake ahead of my 4:30 alarm. Then drove - off to my children' s destinations. From 8:00 am till 4:00 pm, I was completely alone.
This is one favorite spot with friends when we have time to gather. They treat themselves with the leaves from my two eucalyptus trees. They pick fresh leaves from the trees and smell it.

I thought of taking pictures of the eucalyptus trees. I do a lot of thinking when I am alone.
I sometimes wish the trees also understands me. I get all these thoughts in my mind that sometimes bothers me too.
I had a wonderful day by the way. I got lots of calls and birthday greetings. Gaga and Mylene came too. Had a gift from Angelo when he came home. Karl came home late from their tour to the air and naval stations. Kaikai came home from work tired and ate dinner with me.

Sometimes birthdays make one sentimental. But I am mighty glad I was finally tearless today.

beauty contest

Hey listen, today was the finals of Ms. Ceragem-Davao. You wouldn't believe it but I joined it when they announced it weeks ago.

I am not fond of beauty contests but I do watch it given a chance. And it is not too often.

When I do watch beauty contests, I liked looking at the doll-like women strutting their way to the stage. I particularly look at the face, the bearing and how they answer the questions. Another part wherein I am most amazed is when the contestants ramp it in their swimwear. I get excited over them and really wonders "how does it really feel" when the whole world looks at you in a skimpy attire. That is something imposing, I think.

Talking in front of people or "stage freight" is I think the "most popular" fear in this universe. I am just glad I was able to conquer it earlier in life. I meant the "talking" and sometimes the "singing", but getting in front of many people in a different conduct such as this contest is something I have never done in my life.

Why don't I try it? And yes, I did.

During the talent portion, I had a great time with the staff and the clients. I remembered repeating my song "I Will Survive" for at least 3 times because their internet connection went static and my piece was from "You Tube".Arrrggghhhhh! But I did survive the song.

I felt good to see the clients laughing and liking some of my spiels in front. It was a disaster but a well received one. We were there for "fun" so it should not kill my self-esteem at all.

Then I disappeared for some weeks before reappearing again for the practice of the rampage. I was cold and so nervous really because I have such a high esteem about ramp models and how they project themselves on stage. Doing it now is OMG! Do I really have to do it? I can actually "exit" gracefully but I told myself - just get that feel and then forget it if you screw-up. The feeling was fantastic! And I do not have to pretend that I am doing without the audience. I am just sad why some models have to get some "booze" to get to their thing. I would want some "eye to eye contact" with 2 or 3 people from the audience. I think, if there will be some people in the audience who wouldn't like you, there could be at least one or two who will love you. Good enough for me!

Then today was the finals. God, it was 1:00 pm when my ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) started bogging me. Angelo will be home soon and the key is with me. I was enjoying the whole program and was having a great time with everyone and I must have forgotten the time. When the emcee announced the time, I was rattled and got restless.

My son is coming home soon. I really wished it was Q&A now.

During the Q&A, I thought I was not as nervous as when I had the chance of representing my class, I think for the social studies and spelling bee in school. But I had the strangest feeling that I was there all over again. I told myself that I am an adult ADHD and more matured now to give one sensible answer so I should do it NOW. I think, I did.

Then I have to leave. I was the number 1 contestant so I was the first to finish too.

That was the end of my beauty contest experience.

My gift for myself tomorrow when I turn 45 years old!

the umbrella

I noticed here in Davao that more people use their umbrellas during freaking sunny hot days than when it is raining.

The other day, I have confirmed this observation because the rainfall did not stop the pedestrian most of them students from casually just walking as if there was no rain at all.

While I was looking at them and wondering why these people do not seem to care about getting soaked, I also tried to think of the logic behind the fact that these people would have had brought out their umbrellas if it was the fiery morning sun that was up that fateful day.

Let me look at Google, why this is so?

So sad that I did not get statistics or significant information about my question.

I would prefer using my umbrella when it is raining than using it during a scorching hot day!

I remembered a lady telling me that umbrellas before are only for the rich people. Here in the Philippines during the Spanish era, poor people cannot afford an umbrella so they use leaves of the bananas.

Cool and indeed very true because even until now in the countrysides, children from poor families use banana leaves to cover them from the rain and the heat of the sun.

Now, I think I am blessed because I can afford to buy an umbrella! Yah, Made in China.

my untwisted reasoning

My tweet for today was kind of selfish and mean. And when I was about to write for this blog about something else, I still cannot help but think of that statement. Is my blog starting to be a mean blog lately?

This is what I have tweet(ed). "If I am to choose right at this moment between my vehicle and husband, I would choose my vehicle."

But that is how I exactly feel. And even until now, I would say it over and over again even if he is the one paying it.

By the way, I have to write that because he told me that he can no longer pay the bank. So plainly said.

As for me who is battling a tornado-sized damaged-love for him has found another reason for a tsunami-kind of hatred. Thank you. So plainly said too. And he is only 10 months to go for a full payment.

And it is not just because of the vehicle. It is such a lame reason for this attack. Because I am willing to give that vehicle back to the bank. All I want is for him to understand that he just cannot say "I can no longer pay that" or "I can no longer complete this" or "There is nothing I could do."

A man could do better than that says my untwisted reasoning.

My marriage is not really marriage in the first place. So I am disgruntled again.

And he does not read my blogs. I told him of all these, too. To be fair.

And lastly for him to feel good, I also want to say that probably I am not inspiring him to be his best, so I think he deserves someone else.


When at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang-on!
A creepy and crappy kind of slogan for this particular post.

screwing-up my blog

I can't believe blogging has been a part of my life since I started it last January. Writing some personal notes of my life was an itch before I considered blogging for a reason that I really cannot fathom until now. I have mentioned some reasons before but somehow I think, it is not really "it".

First, all I wanted to write are articles that should sound good and pleasant. I had a couple of minutes thinking of what I will name my blog only because I want this to be a "feel good" experience not only for me but for those who visit this. Thus, I thought of my "glazedbliss".

But there were times when I think that "feel good" blogs could not really be that appealing to readers. Although here in this blog, I also got some terrible outpouring of feelings, somehow I realized it just lacks some suicide bombings, killings, aggravated pain, alarming greed and so on and so forth. I think my blog just needed some reprogramming. Does it?

You know what, when I see comments and the numbers of visitors, I feel some kind of panicky feeling. Because I would confront myself the next day, if I just conveyed the right message. I sometimes write for the heck of it and I forget that this is the web. There could be people who might tripped on my blog and if I screwed-up, there will be no other way that I could explain. On the other hand, some readers might not also care. Either ways I should somehow care about "responsibility in writing". Yes, I should be very expressive, creative and responsible.

You bet, I also feel happy that there are at least 3,000 people who have seen, read, or maybe ridiculed my posts har har har. I think with blogging, I have survived my fear of being criticized. In the web, I realized that my thoughts could be as regular or great as the readers. Just go ahead and write something because the readers even if they got the same idea, do not exactly write what is on their minds. So you get the opportunity to write it ahead of them. So I still write.

Well, these are just some of my thoughts after I reviewed all of my posts since I started January.

To sum it up: Glazedbliss should be a little more daring and raise some more human and animal instincts among visitors. They might frequent me more this time.

birthday bash

I got my son to play this music.

We have to give this as a gift to all the November birthday celebrators in the family. Shoti (nephew), Nov. 2; Nanay (mom) and Omar (brother) both on November 9; Jamie (niece) Nov 14; Marlene (sis-in-law) Nov. 20; Cris (sister) November 25; Angelo (my son) November 27; Celine (my husband) November 30. What a crowd har har har!



I am proud of Karlsen who really do not have a formal piano lesson but keep on practicing on the keyboards. He said he was "off" with some notes but I told him "of course because you do not read notes" har har har. I told him to study reading the notes too so he will be better in that discipline.

hearing aid

I think I want to write my ever first funeral speech (for myself). I know it is a bit morbid but I think, I like to hear myself now that I am still breathing. I want my funeral to be different. I want to speak during my funeral. And as promised here is the first one.

I want Kaiser or his wife to read this:

Kaiser, I would like to thank you for all the things that you have done for me, Papa and your brothers. It was you who first introduced to me the joys of motherhood. And now that it is the end of my term, I do wish that you will do your best to be a great father to your children and husband to your wife. Hold on to your family as it is the most valuable one in this world. "Love, learn and live" with your wife and children. I hope you would do better than I am in raising your own.

As I write this (am still breathing), I feel that you are making me closer to my grave with your attitude towards me. I am still 45 but I am advancing this death sentence to myself because I do not feel in anyway important to you. I know there are so many things that could happen from today and until my last breath, but I still want you to know how I exactly felt today. An unselfish act maybe because I could be hurting you or Angelo and Karlsen. But I really feel so terrible, that I wish I were dead.

Don't you know that I sometimes feel that my only connection with you is that "hearing aid"? And because you deliberately does not want to wear it, then I guess that you do not want to do anything with me. I know it could not be what you are implying but it is just the way I am thinking and feeling right now.

You also know that it makes me really very angry if you do not wear that hearing aid. Right now, my heart is pounding fast, a little bit painful on the right, teary-eyed and feeling so depressed because of your disregard of that hearing aid. (That was before my death, right now I am breathless and cold, I could still say the same)

During my days with you as a mother, I cannot help but say most of the time that " I was such failure." I am so frustrated with myself. Please do not think that I am frustrated with you as you "picked it up" most of the time too.

What is the fuss about that hearing aid, anyway?

Every time we fight about it (only because you do not want to wear it) you always say that I am the reason why you lost your hearing and that until now you just cannot accept the fact that you are.

If it makes you feel good that I am the reason for your grief and that impairment, it is alright with me. I am not perfect. I just want you to move on with it especially that I am dead now. Think of how you can attack this world with your charm and skills. That would do you more good than dwell on that impairment.

You are impaired. I hope by now you have accepted that fact. Because so am I. Since I was in elementary. That is why, I wear my eyeglasses because without it, I cannot see.

Oh God, what will I do with such a mind-set?

When you were in high school, I have to literally beg and borrow money from your Tito Omar just to buy a hearing aid. It was such a big deal for me that I did it for you. And even if you have shown defiance by not wearing it, I just have to submit myself on - again being a failure as a mother. I really think, you really hated me much. Again, because of that hearing aid.

Maybe you really do not need it for yourself but your doctors have been telling you, that in order for you not to lose your hearing on your right ear, you have to use that. I think since I am dead, this is probably the last time you are going to hear me say it. After this, I guess it is your choice.

Let me tell you that I have been proud of all that you have accomplished. For me, you are complete! Prove everyone that you are, indeed.

It is alright if you really do not wish to love me. I cannot force you to do that.

Tonight when you come home from work, I am going to talk to you about your moving out. You actually opened it up to me but I asked you to stay. I will give you your freedom.

I want to tell you, how good it is to live. Go on living, my son. Live for your self and family. If you have the chance, serve this country in a way you can.

When you go to your boarding house, you get my blessing. I think, you will be a better person outside of my care.

Let me get back to the hearing aid. Your second hearing aid is more expensive than your first (ha ha ha). Because your hearing went to a profound level. The doctor explained that to you. Why am I getting back to this?

Because during that time, I have to go to the banks and beg and borrow for it. It not only caused me such a pain in my pocket but came along the problems with my relationship with your father and coupled it up with my own personal issues.

That hearing aid that you do not wish to wear is my life. I do not wish you to feel guilty about it. I want you to wear it because it is your connection with me. I still want you to wear it because in my death, I want you hear me from where I am.

Whatever pain I have inflicted in you, I ask your forgiveness. From where I am, I will always intervene for your safety as well as your family.

Sorry that I have nothing else to leave, except that hearing aid.

Take care of yourself and your family. Love your brothers and father.

I am at peace now and I promise to move heavens (or maybe hells) to keep you safe and warm during your most troubled times. Think of me always and I will be running by you and your brother's side (in spirit, of course) . I now miss you and your brothers. Probably your Papa, too.


Note: I have another entry in my blog which is entitled "rumpling that anger away". It is in the January 2009 posts. I would wish Achie to read it after this.

getting focused

I felt bad not being able to write in my blog for two days. But sometimes I wonder, why is it that I write here anyway. I do not know of a specific reason really but after watching a movie "Julia and Julie" (whichever comes first) I thought I just wanted to have something done. I think I also wanted to write in this blog to hone my writing skills for the novel I am writing. The novel is more challenging because it is a whole lot of organizing my thoughts and "writing even if I do not like yet". I think writing a book is a discipline that I wanted to acquire specifically.

It is also my brain which I really wanted to have focus. If you want me to describe how I think, it could be so sporadic. There are awfully lots of "pop-outs" in my mind even when I am resting. And even when I am doing something , ideas (sometimes I think, great) just pops-out and if I am not able to write it down, it would just go down the drain.

Oh my God, I really, really wish I could focus.

Sometimes I am amused with myself but most of the time keep me thinking that I needed some help. Help could be, I should finish that book. It helps me sit calmly and think. I should finish what I have started. That is for Rule number 1.

And because I get bored with one activity for such long hours, I have to take a deep breath and calmly talk to myself about not leaving it. Stay put. For Rule number 2.

I really hate rules, but sometimes I should honor it by bending a bit.

scrambled sunny side up

I was up early at 4:30 am. Got lots of errand for a Monday. "Bank to bank to bank" as my friend fondly says. It is my mother and brother's (Omar) birthday too. I greeted my brother last night but still has to call my mom today.

Anyway, I am used to waking up at around that time. But today is different because Angelo has to get to his new school before 7 in the morning. Oh, this is just great! I remembered that I have to go to our telephone company. I will write about that separately, it is kind of funny and alarming.

But I have to write this because again, my sunny side up was so wrecked that I have to scramble the rest of the eggs for breakfast today. My children did not even noticed that one egg was supposed to be sunny side up. That is how awful my eggs were today!

Oh well, Paulo Coelho said "And if you haven't made any mistakes recently, you must be doing something wrong."

My mistake couldn't really be so wrong, all I want is to have a perfect sunny side up.