Halloween bliss

It is the first day of November.

I wanted to go and visit my father who died recently. And I just can't believe that with the unbelievably very low airline rates here, why on earth can't I go? I was browsing the internet last night and saw an ad of Cebu Pacific. It is offering this P 1.00 fare promo excluding taxes to Manila. But the travel date would be next year. Not bad at all. And I am contemplating on it.

Together with my children, I went to the Ceragem center yesterday. The center celebrated Halloween and I took some pictures for my blog. Well, treatment come in many packages, I believe. The center's thermal massage proves to be relaxing in many ways for me. Also it includes traditional and modern approach to treatment of the most serious diseases. I salute the staff for their genuine care for the elderly who patiently go there for the treatment. I believe that "one act of kindness to an elderly is one step nearer to the salvation of one's soul". Whenever I see the old people especially the males, I see my father alive in them.

Yesterday too while I was in a rush to go to the toilet, this elderly man held my hand and asked for a kiss. I did not mind at all. I was thinking, if it was a way ( a simple and innocent kiss) to perk up a man's moment then I could by all means give my kiss away.

The staff are so gentle with these people. I was thinking , it is not only the thermal massage that the clients are after for. It is the community. I am afraid, that many of their children or relatives are far or do not have much time for them now.

I bring my children to this facility not only for the thermal massage but for them to understand compassion and concern for the elderly more profoundly.

I guess, my father will understand the reasons why I cannot go and visit his grave this year. Souls have an expanded view of everything, I believe.

spare them

I was looking for a notebook wherein I can record some ideas about my book when I saw one I needed. I do not have a laptop and I also miss writing in a notebook so I thought getting traditional is the way I prefer things to happen at this time. Anyway, it was my notebook during my post graduate studies in Psychology. There are lots of notes in there. I found one that I want to post here, if you don't mind. It has some kind of sense and about children.

"Children are easy prey to the adults around them who tend to be abusive and unmindful of their fundamental rights. In the first-world countries, pets are given more love, attention, food, security and rights than millions of children all over the world. These children get the very first taste of abuses right from their very own homes and what is more disheartening is the fact that even governments are not addressing these concerns. We are peddling our children to become prostitutes, we are pushing them to be criminals and we are crippling every inch of their sense of adequacy. Did we ever stop and think, what would they be like when they become adults"?

I really wish with all sincerity that in my own little way I could be a part of the big change - to stop any kind of abuse to all children - for them to trust, love and live!

my book

I was too excited to write the first pages of my book a few hours ago but I realized there was nothing to write. I find it crazy that when I am doing some other things, that is when my thoughts keep on bugging me about a thousand things to write.

Instead, I found this painting I really fell in love with and thought of posting it. And give myself some more minutes to organize my thoughts again for my book. But until now, I honestly do not know where to start.

I do not know if seasoned writers have this kind of procrastination. Because they have the right to. I am not sure if I should be in that league at my level and pace.

My first plan really was to write the speeches needed for my funeral but I guess it was an idea that my children, Achie, my niece and a friend was uncomfortable with. I really wanted that occasion to be a little different from the normal eulogies. Maybe later on, I will get back to that "some kind of" idea.

Anyway, one of my first passion was writing speeches. I like emotional and inspiring ones. When I prepare a speech, I happen to research for some related topics or interests which I quote or elaborate with. Now, I regret not being able to make a compilation of the speeches I did.

Then of course, my promise of my first few pages of my book is at the moment, so very "off".

I have to forgive myself regarding this. I am not a seasoned writer anyway!

gliding

Effortlessly everything else glides into place!

There has been several times in my life wherein I tend to push on some matters that instead of creating some positive results, it nearly got me into some serious trouble. When I woke up early today, I promised not to "push and pull" over matters that I tend to be overly eager ever since.

I wanted to just flow where I am brought by the wind. I did have a smooth glide, today.

And God, I am so amazed with Your wisdom and presence in every aspect of my life. I am just sad that I am not too religious to really express my exultation to what I have and what I have not! I do not really mind about my "have nots" because I know everyone has that! I think, Life has always been fair.

Today, I have drafted on my mind what my first book will be. I will spend an hour before I sleep to draft my first pages. This is something I want my children to have before I really leave this wonderful world. I will finish this book.

Be blissful!

outpourings

I was not in harmony with myself today. I was troubled and for some difficult minutes I was doubtful of what I was doing, more so of what I am going to do. Was it the color of my lipstick? Or the blouse I have chosen. Did I wake up at the wrong side of my bed? Oh, never mind.

I think, I just have to list some good things for me to acknowledge, so I would be able to set aside some pain I got today:

1) I was happy when I was able to bring my 3 sons to their destinations this morning.
2) We had fun listening to Mo Twister's Killerbee station.
3) I was over-courteous while driving today. I think I have given "way" at least 5 to 6 times to other drivers.
4) I got a good parking lot in Ateneo.
5) I walked 10 minutes to the bank. One good physical exercise today.
6) There was not many people in the bank. I was the third person served by the teller.
7) I was abnormally silent and happy.
8) Fetched my 2 children from their thermal therapy and brought them home.
9) Lots of kiss and touch from Katchie while I was driving them home.
10) I had a nap for about 15 minutes while waiting for Angelo's txt - if it was time to fetch him.
11) After some hard moments at noon, I was able to drive back home safe.
12) Had 10 minutes alone in the room. The house was so silent.
13) I was able to help my son look for another school.
14) I kissed and embraced Angelo.
15) After crying for the nth time, I attended a birthday get-together with children.
16) I had lots of laughter with children below 10 years old.
17) Had some time with the birthday boy who is now 50 years old but his guests are young kids and teenagers.
18) I kissed and embraced Angelo.
19) For the longest time, my 3 other friends (together again) came. We were in the garden where we used to spend some time together.
20) I kissed and embraced Angelo, again.
21) I did not cook dinner because we came from a party.
22) Got the chance to blog.

There is no way that I could twist and turn difficult moments that came my way today. I always believed, that our God always has a reason. If I just cannot understand it by now, maybe tomorrow I will. Tomorrow is another day. There must be something in store for us. A promise of another day's outpourings.

Be blissful!

struck by the truth

I am just so struck with how blessings are distributed everyday! Writing blogs is such a therapy for me to release my tensions. Most of the time my stories here has undergone a process that makes it a bit lighter in many ways. That goes with my soul. Writing alone is such a blessing that I sometimes forget to acknowledge. I would have gone crazier than my normal level if not I am able to do this.

Today, I am sharing a prayer from the book, Brida by Paulo Coelho.

"Lord, help me understand that all the good things in life that happens to me do so because I deserve them. Help me understand that what moves me to seek out your truth is the same force that moved the saints and the souls. I have are the same doubts the saints had and my frailties are the same frailties. Help me to be humble enough to accept that I am no different from other people. Amen".

Today I realized, I could love my husband still more.

deserving love

Last night, during one of those moments wherein one gets a chance to just sit and talk about "What is happening"?, I actually learned some answers to some difficult matters that I often put aside in my life. I do not have exactly the right terms yet, but maybe as I go along writing I get to catch it somewhere.

My friend and I have both seafarers as husbands. Although I have grown accustomed to such a set-up I sometimes felt that my difficulty will be is - when the time comes that he retires and both of us will be together everyday of our lives. Of course, I should mean positively at all times to attract good energies and omen in our relationship. But until now, I am just amazed at " How did the universe has conspire to bring him to me or bring me to him"?

I was talking to my friend about the million clicks of chances to find a lifetime partner. And when one gets hooked, somewhere in the middle of that relationship, one wonders "What made me choose him"?

I told my friend that I honestly do not know the reason why I fell in love with him. Maybe because he love me. I sensed that a long time ago. And I wanted to be loved during the time we met.

My husband and I are so much poles apart in everything.

He has traveled the whole world. He has gone to places that I really wanted to see in my life. And yet, he does not get my enthusiasm towards those places that he has seen and visited. Or maybe, God has given him to me for I will never be able to reach the places he went. And he is my eyes. Can be.

He has loved me and kept on loving me even when my love for him got ebbed deeply in the oceans several times. I want to die before him. So he would find another woman who could give him the love he deserves. Or maybe, God has given him to me for me to understand love. I sometimes think, he just do not deserve me.

Sometimes I wish I could have been different. But I am different. Where do we meet?

tongue-stamping

I am not sure if my title is just the right one for what I am going to describe today. I was in the wet market days or weeks ago. I promised to write about it but I wasn't able to because I got darn busy with my "chocolates de cielo" blog.

Anyway, there was this vendor whom I kind of feel "yucky". Well, I should not have felt that in the first place because I convinced myself to start an "accepting attitude" of all or other forms of human behavior as long as I am alive. And I am coping with it.

I bought in his stall onions and garlic. I gave him a 100 peso bill. I felt unsettled on my foot, when I saw him get all those bills from his apron pocket. And start stamping his thumb on his tongue to separate each bill from the next. Wait, let me write it again.

On his left hand is the thick bills of different denominations. So when he started counting the bills, he lifts his right hand, stick out his tongue and stamp his thumb on it. Then used that thumb and the point finger to separate one bill to another.

I was close to not getting my change. But I needed it.

I just thought, he could actually separate and count the bills without sticking out that tongue and stamping his thumb on it. I thought, wasn't it the hard way? And unhygienic too!

But I remembered back in school. I got classmates who did that to the pages of the books, notebooks or pad papers. Ohhh sorry classmates but that sight really disgusted me! But it's ok, that behavior really did not kill me at all.

Oh going back to the vendor, I think he got lots of money than I have!

chocolatesdecielo.blogspot.com

I got a new blog!

And I got a new born choco-colored labrador to invite you and visit it. Isn't the puppy so lovely?
I am excited about my new blog because I will talk about chocolates and my business there.

My business is still a baby. And because the family loves pure chocolates I do intend to expand on this in the future. Lots could be done to improve where I have started.

It's crazy that I messed up with the templates during my first try last night. The new template that I used is simpler and so chocolatey!

Please, please visit it!

I hope all the angels and saints be with me!

good omen

Today, I almost ran-over a rat in the highway. I did not kill it. But I thought of Omens suddenly. Well, we only have a 6 -lane highway here but for a smart rat, it should not be crossing over in a highway at 7:00 where everyone is in a hurry. I bet this rat had some dose of pesticide so it got lost in the middle of the highway.

From Paulo Coelho's book, "The Alchemist" he mentioned that butterflies, crickets, lizards, grasshoppers, four-leaf clovers are signs of good omen. The butterfly is my favorite because lots of them do come to my garden. There are times when, one or two would suddenly appear from nowhere and touch me. Another tale about it is that, butterflies have the spirits of our dead that came to visit you. Not bad. So even though it is so "one-way" of communication, it helps the living feel lighter.

The crickets, hmmmm I like listening to them. If they are noisy they drive away the negative energies or bad spirits around. So when I was young in the island, I love listening to them at night. It tells me that it is "safe to sleep now".

And the lizards, I do not know why they give good omen, but when a lizard drops at a person, they say something good will happen. But because I detest the surprise drops and it' s reptile coldness, I often drastically throw them off. That makes me drive-away the good omen! grrrhhh.

The four-leaf clover they say is hard to find, so when one finds it, there must be some luck. I believe in some plants having some positive force or energy so I believe in this. When I was young, me and my friends would sometimes play a game - Who would be the first to see a four- leaf clover? I cannot remember if I ever won.

In my five years of driving my vehicle, I remembered running-over and killing a dog and a chicken. Ohhh sorry that I have to run away. When I ran-over the dog, it was an accident. I let the dog's masters cross the street and the dog suddenly followed them right at the moment I geared to start. And the chicken, I have to run away because the owners will ask far more than its actual cost. har har har

But today, it is the first time that I almost ran-over a rat. And I have to Google my omen for today. Here are some I got about rats.

a) In Hindu mythology, the elephant-headed god Ganesh is accompanied by a rat wherever he travels. An offering to Ganesh and his small companion and vahana the rat is therefore an important part of Hindu worship. Ganesh is the jolly elephant headed god whose origins are in the Hindu tradition, though he has been adopted into the pantheon of some Buddhist schools as well. Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and can bestow good fortune. In India, traditionally no important undertaking is begun without first invoking Ganesh to insure success. Ganesh as the god of Music and great catagorizer of all that can be counted or comprehended. If the gods created us in their image, then creation must be a holy act itself. It is believed in Hindu tradition that it is good to hold this remover of obstacles in mind when beginning to create that loveliest art form, music. Much good is thought to flow from this benevolent deity once he knows what his subject has in mind."

b) The Romans sometimes saw rats as omens as well. A white rat was considered by the Romans as auspicious. But a black rat has unfortunate significance. If you were Roman and found rats had gnawed your personal effects you should postpone any business you may have been considering.

c) According to Chinese legend, the twelve animals quarreled one day as to who was to head the cycle of years. The gods were asked to decide and they held a contest: whoever was to reach the opposite bank of the river would be first, and the rest of the animals would receive their years according to their finish. All the twelve animals gathered at the river bank and jumped in. Unknown to the ox, the rat had jumped upon his back. As the ox was about to jump ashore, the rat jumped off the ox's back, and won the race. The pig, who was very lazy, ended up last. That is why the rat is the first year of the animal cycle, the ox second, and the pig last.

d) In old Japan, rats had it good because a white rat was a messenger of one of the seven gods of luck, Daikoku. Because of this connection, they were not killed. The story goes that a rat couple wanted the strongest husband in the world for their daughter. They asked the sun who declined saying that clouds had more power because they could cover him up. When they asked a cloud, he responded, "The wind is stronger than I because it can blow me away." The wind could not make the grade either. "The wall stops me cold," he said. And the wall, though honored by the offer wailed, "The rat is stronger. He can bore a hole right through me." So the couple wisely gave their daughter in marriage to another rat who was indeed the strongest creature of them all.

Well, I think the rats' omen seems promising to me. So between sunrise and sundown today, I have to be intent on looking at what good the encounter with the rat is for me. So far today it is still 10:00 am and my cable has been disconnected. The day is not through yet. Let me see the result of not running-over the rat!

cherish 3

The night has a thousand eyes,
and the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
with the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,
and the heart but me;
yet the light of a whole life dies
when love is done

by: Francis William Bourdillon

cherish 2

It isn't the thing you do, dear
It's the thing you leave undone
Which gives you a bit of heartache
at the setting of the sun.

The tender word forgotten,
the letter you did not write,
the flower you might have sent, dear
are you haunting ghosts tonight?

by: Margareth E. Sangster

cherish 1

They who are near me,
do not know that you are nearer to me than they are.
Those who speak to me,
do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words.

Those who crossed in my path,
do not know that I am walking alone with you.
They who love me,
do not know that their love brings you to my heart.

by: Rabindranath Tagore

I used to have a collection of poetry in my computer files. When it got a virus everything else were gone. Today I found a scratch paper while rummaging through some of my notes way 2000. And I found 3 of my favorite poems written on it. Let me share it with you, here!

an unfamiliar turf

As vast as infinite space,
it is perfect and lacks nothing.

But because you select and reject,
you can't perceive its true nature.

Don't get entangled int he world;
don't lose yourself in emptiness.

Be at peace in the oneness of things,
and all errors will disappear by themselves.

I thought loving a mother is an instinct. I also thought it is not a one heavy feeling. Moreover, I thought that if there were some rifts or fights, at least the connection will easily soften each others hearts. And I believe so for many other mother-child relationships.

I wrote this because of a long-standing issue I got with my own mom. Well I can talk to her, make her laugh or take care of her but I got really some strange feelings inside. That feeling leads me to ask if I was too sincere, was I really loving or am I just doing everything because it is some kind of duty.

Recently she was with me for some period of time and I thought I was so patient with her. Maybe the same way that she was with me. I also do not know if she really liked me. I do not know if this is "projection" from a psychological perspective but I do doubt her sincerity.

I knew her as cunning and selfish. She likes manipulating others. But what I really remembered that made me erase any trace of good thing she did to me was when she introduced me to her group of friends as her "ugly daughter". Of course you won't believe that. But there is no way I could make that story up. And knowing my mom she will be proud to say that "yes, I did say it". Grrrhhhhh. I do not know then how hurt I was. But of course, if she will say that again in front of me and friends today, I will proudly say "I got that from you". Har har har.

I am writing this not to document all the cause of the pain and anger I got from her. But to get into my senses and correct what has gone wrong along the way.

Now, I think we really have to cope with each other' s blunders. I thought to humble myself in accepting that she really is a different mom. So far from my ideal one.

I could also be a bad mom myself. I thought all the while that I am a good mom to my children, but during some episodes of fights with them, I get to realize that I was not at all good.

Maybe that's how the way it is.

For such a long time, I did not recognize what she did for me. I want us both healed. Maybe it is time.

Returning to the root, you find the meaning;
chasing appearances, you lose their source.
At the moment of profound insight,
you transcend both appearance and emptiness.

Don't keep searching for the truth,
just let go of your opinions.

With not even a trace of self-doubt, you can trust the universe completely
all is empty, brilliant, perfect in its own being.
In the world of things as they are, there is no self, no non-self.

The mind of absolute trust is beyond all thought,
all striving, is perfectly at peace,
for in it there is no yesterday, no today, no tomorrow.

Seng Ts'an (? -606)

nature's call

I was waiting for my son in this book fair in the mall when I saw the book entitled "How to shit in the woods". I thought in some ways it is inspirational for me because when I experienced it recently, it was indeed one horrible and devastating moment in my life.

I think my ass for such a long time only wanted clean toilet seats. It need not be fancy because I can bear public toilets too. I choose.

Anyway the book was just P 35.00. But I did not buy it because I have lots of books at home. I have not even read some of it. I thought I could just write my own version of it he he he.

I remember eating lots of fruits that fateful morning. Only because I do not want heavy meals when driving long trips. And because the fruits in the towns that we passed-by sells really cheap ones I practically had a full stomach of Marang and Bananas. I was happy to reach Trento the last town of Agusan del Sur in only about 2 and 1/2 hours because I will be in Davao in about 2 or 3 more hours.

This is where my stomach seems to growl and twist inside. We went to a family friend but I am sorry that I can't stomach their toilet. I was thinking, I will stop in the nearest gas station anyway. I can still hold it.

Now, when I needed it most (the gas station) it seems to be forever avoiding me. I was perspiring cold. I have to drive slowly when"it" seems to rush out. "Oh my please let me get through in this series of curves and cliffs safely". Gossshhhhhh! This is terrible!

My mom and husband kept telling me that we have to stop somewhere. And every time the attack came, there was a community. "Oh God what did I do today that I deserve this?" And I was asking forgiveness because my mom said "Oh you kept cursing all those dumb drivers, now God is punishing you".

"Oh common Nay, our God is a forgiving one. He will understand what I go through with these dumb drivers. But I promised not to say "bulok" (morons) to them ever again". Just let me release this suffering.

And by the grace from up above, we finally found a spot. A quiet place with lots of tall grasses and trees. I was excited to release it but I need something. I always have wipes inside the vehicle because of its convenience. But before we left home, I decided not to bring it because someone left it open and the wipes went dry.

I opted for the tissue and the alcohol. I was worried though if they are environment-friendly. But because I was in great hurry I said I think "they are".

What worried me is how I would position myself. My husband said "we should not get too far from the highway, it could be dangerous. There are spirits in the forests and they can see us, they might do something to us". He told me to "ask permission".

"Ohhhh shut-up, you do not know what I am feeling" I said, but on second thought I said "tabi-tabi po" (please move coz I am going to use your space!). And my husband was not solved
on what I said. He thought I was not sincere with what I said. "Dear Lord, I was. I just need to release it". I was trembling and holding on to it. "There was no way you can judge my sincerity" I mumbled.

Well, with an umbrella covering my butt on my left side and the tall grasses at my back, I released it mightily. Har har har. My husband was busy talking to the spirits and spitting at our traces.

I did not mind communicating with the spirits, especially after the release. It just feels so much good and relaxing. It feels the same when giving natural birth to a baby. Great!

We have to cover it with some leaves, thanked the spirits and my husband had to "spit" again. It is kind of ritual when you are foreign to a secluded and quiet place.

It was truly embarrassing and gross but I have to bear with it. Sometimes we just have to do crazy things to survive that "nature's call".

Sorry if you found this gross, but when I saw a legitimate reading material about this stuff, I think I have some space for such a topic.

written love

I started my day with some heated discussions with my eldest son. I said something that I wish I did not. That is one frailty I got. I just say the wrong things when I am provoked. I know it is never healthy.

Sometimes I get so spoiled in the family. It is because I know I will be forgiven that I do not exert much effort in checking that conduct. I could be so mean to my love ones.

When I got home I have to manually cut my bermuda grass. Cut all dried leaves. Replanted. Rearranged pots. Etc. I only stopped when my back ached. When my hands were trembling. I have to release that bad energy!

I wish I could just "shut" my mouth when I am angry. I do not wish my children to remember bad things I have said. I do not wish them to bring bad memories when they journey through life.

I am putting that Chinese character in my blog. To remind me always to be humble in dealing with my children.

When Kaiser went home he kissed me. I am just blessed that my children are all so tender and loving.

Bless my children!

Geeja

Thank you Geeja for following my blog! I was out yesterday and I suddenly got the urge of taking this picture. Of the thousands of artwork and sculpture of our local artist Kublai, I fancied on this. Do you know what material was used for it?

It is from the roots of a tree. He got hundreds of it. I cannot possibly give that to you because it is a collection of Kublai.

But I am pleased to share the picture to you as a welcome gesture from me. Hope we get lots of good time together blogging our lives. I have a problem though, I can't seem to get through your blog.

The picture is for you!

Je t'aime

I have trouble about getting fast asleep when I am not moving around. This afternoon, I was waiting for Angelo to come home from school because I have to see my Aunt and friends from the island (Laoang). I got an issue of going to the Inn where they are staying. Not really a big issue, its just that the entrance to the Inn is the same when going to a Motel. Arrggghhh of course here in the Philippines, the Motel business is not as legitimate as in other places. In this country, a Motel is synonymous to some illicit affairs. So even if you are getting inside with your husband in tow, most likely people will think otherwise.

That was my thought before I decided to watch TV to kill time.

When I was drowsing - it is also the best time for me to watch TV. I just actually listen because I am more interested to get to sleep than watch. I usually watch the BBC but I picked Star Movies today.

My thought was "Do we really need this cable"? We are anyway most of the time away from home. And whenever I am home, I only listen to the television because I cannot sit down to finish a show or even a movie. It is a waste of money really.

But I roused from my drowsiness because I heard French. Yes the French language. Well if I do not watch the TV, I will fall asleep not understanding it so I have to wake up and read the subtitles.

I am in love with the French language. I enrolled in a French class before but that was when I was busy making a living too. So I was not able to finish the course.

The movie's title is "Angela". The movie was half-way through but I learned a lot from it. Based on the subtitles. One is about "loving oneself". The man in the movie is kind of hesitant to say "Je t'aime" (I love you) to himself in the mirror. I realized it is something universal to people who did not receive "I love you" all his life or not that much from the family or friends.

Yah, how can one be comfortable in loving another person when there is no love received in the first place?

I was only distracted towards the end of the movie because "Angela" twisted and turned into an angel. I thought when her wings suddenly appeared from her back, that she was a monster. Grrrrhhhh! I do not know if I have fallen asleep but I think it's "cheap" animation.

But I loved the black and white movie. I might watch the whole of it in You Tube.

By the way, I remembered wanting "Angelica" as a name for myself than my Maria Angelina. I do not know if "Angelica" is still appealing but if I get a grandchild (not now yet) I hope someone among my children name that angel, Maria Angelica.

stories to tell

An old man once told me, "I only finished Grade 2 but I have to do many important things and go with important people and talk to as many people as possible for me to have many stories to tell my grandchildren".

After our talk, I realized that when one is getting old, the stories one has gathered through a lifetime is most valuable than anything else in this world.

I think it is the "unloading" that helps lighten a person when he talks about one's story. My father who died recently did not talk much about himself to me, but he gave my children important lessons in life.

I am writing some of my thoughts this early through my blog because there are times when I am not able to talk to my children. I should talk to them more often.

But I told my children, that when the time comes that I leave this world permanently, they have to find their way to my blog. Although they oftentimes check on my blog they also do not do it regularly. But I am happy that they show interests.

Karlsen, my youngest son, promised that he will print all the pages in my blog when I die. Oh, he said it in jest. But I hope he is serious with it.

Angelo started writing his own blog but it is just a requirement in school. I wanted him to write because he wants to. He used to write many interesting topics in his formal theme writing in school. He drifted away from that skill for sometime. I hope he gets it back.

From now on too, I do not leave my blog without a real life lesson!

series of push and pull

My heart is so so abused today!

I can't remember how many times I cried today! From the one great concern I got to the stupidest one, I realized that even if all the reasons I got are worth my tears, I just have to take it easy. For such a long time, I have always laughed at my concerns.

I was scared when I saw the sign at the Cashier's office in my son's school - "No check payment for the Final Exams". I should have known that, but still I tried talking it out with the Officer. Of course, I was rejected. I was trembling to see my son eager to get his permit from me because I know he will be frustrated. I see around announcement of the coming Halloween activities and I thought, "this is more scary than any Halloween experience" I ever had.

Then I lied to him, I said "I will be back to get money". I told him to study while he waits. I thought I was drooping when I was leaving him. I never lied to my children, at least about "coming back" for anything, so I know, he will expect me.

What is so horrible is that I do not know where to get money. So I went back to the vehicle and will drive and drive and see where my driving will take me. And my first batch of teardrops fell because the engine won't even start.

I cursed myself for being so childish. I cried when my friend helped me. I cried when I forgot to get my change from the gasoline station. I cried when I paid my son's tuition. I cried when I saw my son feeling relieved from stress. I cried when we were pushing the car to start. I cried every single minute until I got home.

I cried when I was alone. I cried when my friend came over. I cried when I talked to a friend on the phone and I cried. I did not know what was the "push" and "pull" anymore.

I just cried. Now I am very tired. I just have to abuse more of myself by writing this.

I think it was my season to cry!

too much heat

Today I have been treated from too much heat!

The sun was up at around 5:30 am when I was busy hollering from the kitchen for my children to wake up for breakfast. I know this will be a sunny day because of the yellow rays from the horizon. And I was thinking, "this is good day for my cacao beans, too"! The beans are extra-strong in flavor if treated well by the sun.

At the park where I try to get that "walk for longer life" cause everyday, the sun was beaming with that piercing heat getting through my veins. And it was only 7:05 am. As I turn towards the northern direction of the park, the moon was inching her way out. What a day! I get to see both the sun and moon while I walk around the park. My mind was heavily loaded though with thousands of concerns. My son Angelo is not happy with some of his grades in his Engineering Drawing classes and I am not much happy to hear about it.

There is more heat at the Ceragem Center. I bring my mother for the thermal massage therapy in the center and whenever I am not busy I go with her. It is Korean treatment and basically using heat. Just like the sauna where I am relieved of the toxins in the body, herein I also feel good, relaxed and well. The 9-ball compact that they have is where I lay my body. It is moved to 15 body points every after 3 minutes and it is amazing that this general treatment is actually addressing several illnesses or if one is not ill, is preventive in nature. It makes me perspire and feel light.

And after the errands, have to get back home for lunch. With so much heat, I do not understand why we have to settle for "arroz caldo". It is chicken porridge with hefty helpings of ginger, garlic, onions and spring onions. Now as I am writing this, I am perspiring.

I am brewing my coffee now so I have it while doing the laundry. I have to finish all the chores before the day ends for me to get to my "chocolates de cielo" business.

The heat is not taking me down, on the contrary it is making me move. Move to get away from too many concerns I have. I hope to throw it all away soon!

I wish one bank to get out of business. Just kidding! I wish more blessings for me to be able to pay that bank, that is better!

Have to work freaking hard!

simple recline

That is my father's rattan reclining seat. I cannot believe I am writing this piece for the 3rd time. I tried writing about it when I just got home from a long drive last Sunday in Kidapawan. When I am very tired I would usually abuse myself by tiring "me" more. I started writing about having a good rest on such a recline but I got distracted.

Yesterday, I have started writing about my father's reclining seat again, but I was disturbed by some thoughts about a friend. Well a bad feeling would want me to have a comfortable seat but again I was off. I really hope my children do not get my moods. They are males and I want them to be so focused and steady on their bearings.

Today, I feel so soundly sane that I have to write something about it. It is of course the simplest reclining seat one could have ever afford to buy. It is even less than 50 dollars. But because it is my dead father's favorite chair that reason makes me want to bring it home. I will bring it home here.

When I spread the seat that way (same as the picture) under the trees the last time I was there, I had a strange feeling that I am actually lying just like my father used to and in the same position. I can't help but think that what I was actually feeling is what my father felt when he was still alive. I was so conscious of my breathing like will I hear my father breath too? Will I hear his heartbeat when I am in silence lying on his bed?

My favorite position in bed is when I face to my right side and hugging a pillow and my right hand underneath a pillow. If a pillow is not present then it would be my hands clasped together and put it under my head.

I am amazed that his memory is so still alive in my psyche. Now I notice my father's most favorite things. They are not actually what I like in taste but because it was important to Tatay when he was alive, I am suddenly liking it for myself.

As I have mentioned, I have been so troubled for 2 months now. When my husband left for his assignment, that night my father was beside me in bed. But only in my dream.

And there is not much greater bliss I would want now but a simple recline.

sweet and sour

It was the first time I saw the flowers of a Tamarind tree. All through these years its only now that I realized how gorgeous its flowers are. I am really glad I took a nap under the tree and noticed its blooms.

I am not sure if everyone is familiar with the tamarind candy but its sweet and sour taste is something that I used to indulge with. My favorite tamarind candy is the one formed like a ball and dipped in white sugar. When I was a kid, I did not care about how hygienic it was prepared as long as I love to munch on it. I salivate when I see it but nowadays I do not see much of it except for those wrapped in colored cellophane.

Well, the Tamarind fruit is not really that appealing to me but looking at it from below keeps me salivating. I wished I have those candies inside my mouth.

And the dried leaves of the tamarind tree looks like this.