rumpling that anger away

My son, where are you getting that anger bestowed on me?

You used to be my only one.
My very first born baby boy.

Since you were the first, I barely knew how to take care of babies. But I know I did my best. Well I was a very young mother then and I would say that it was a rewarding experiment to raise you up because as a baby you were so perfect, beautiful, cuddly and a not -so- difficult one. I want you to know that you gave me utmost happiness even when I was so very confused with my life when you came.

Maybe you felt and saw amounts of anger from me. I was angry at myself because I was not prepared to have you. What I meant is, if there was something wrong with what you've heard or felt, it was not intended for you.

As you were growing, you remained to be a charming and lovable little boy. Everyone in the family just adored you and your antics.

Did I tell you that even when there were cousins and 2 younger brothers who came years later, you remained to be lovable and charming to us? Was it also during this time when I first hit you? You just do not know how badly I felt that I hurt you physically.

Maybe you thought I have transferred my affection to your younger siblings. My son, a person can give as much affection as he or she can. And to as many objects/persons as one can, too. If I hurt you during these years, it did not mean that I love you less than I do to them.

When I discovered your impairment, maybe you have heard me say hurting words and would have seen the worst in me. But it was meant for me, alone. I was frustrated with myself because I felt responsible for that. I was not angry at you because I know even if your left ear is now permanently damaged, it will not stop you from being happy and discover and appreciate the beauty of life.

Maybe you thought I will not be able to accept you. My son, life does not stop because of an impairment. My ways of communicating might just be threatening to you, but I want you to know that it is my fear that you will get hurt because of your impairment. I realized that it was my fear, not yours.

Your teenage years was a big mess, you and I. Between me and you.

We've had countless fights. But I want you to remember, that I was also at your side during some of your bad moments. I was angry at myself because I did not understand what you want to do. I also did not listen to what you want from me. Even if there were times that I would exert extra effort to understand you and your friends, I just felt so helpless and exhausted getting inside your thoughts and heart.

Maybe you thought, I stopped loving you. I was angry at myself because I was myself in one big crisis emotionally. I think I was not able to give you much attention. Or maybe I have given you lots of attention when you did not need it at all.

Now, you are an adult. The last terrible fight we had was a surprise. You told me about an incident a long, long time ago. Something that I do not even remember. I did not know that I have hurt you so very deeply. Is it beyond repair, now?

I got this from a book I read it says " Parents rarely let go of their children, so the children let go of them". What do you think? Do you want to let go of me?

Where are you getting that anger towards me?

Please go deeply down to your subconscious mind and feel my warm kisses and embraces. Our laughter. Our moments together. Our love. We were one then, when you were inside me. Remember. Feel. And come back to me. I know deep in your heart, you must love me.

My son, I make mistakes. I do not want you to grow up nurturing that anger towards me. I do not want you to go through the same mistake I did to my parents. It was such a heavy toll to carry.

another attempt to poetry 2

Sun so great and strong!
Shining mightily to the flowers brightly grown. With one stifling strike fell one flower's soul, crushed from the crown, withered into the ground.

Not too spiked, not too frail a bond
Never was it meant to forever withstand!


Note: That's a Picasso work of art (the flowers)

saturday sauna and sanity

Saturdays has something to look forward to.

My friend (Gaga) and I decided to treat ourselves with Sauna after every week of toiling (daily chores and activities). This came up after dropping all of our "karangyaan" (luxury) as accused. Of course, luxury is an exaggeration. Many people just think that wives of seamen have large amounts of money in their pockets, which could be generally true if without mortgages, credits, tuition and other payable. Actually life has never been easy for us without our partners. When they are far away (and sometimes even if they are back,), we do all the major decisions about just anything else from raising the children to repairing of clogged toilets. So it is quite a tough job after all!

That job (as wife of a seaman) needs a little compensation such as a 200-peso Sauna. It should not hurt our economies so badly, I guess. Or else I'll get crazy. I mean crazier.

We visited Spa Valley Sauna in Lanang, Davao City once and we quickly decided that this is the place. It's got an oriental (Korean) ambiance with touches of modern furnishings and style. Spacious and have lots of lounging areas. I am not really much too picky with the ambiance and the like but what I have noticed and liked is that the staff are all accommodating. Another plus factor is that it is only 4 kilometers away from our residence. We can always run back home anytime.

The dry sauna is my favorite. It is good to have Gaga always beside me because we often stay longer inside talking and laughing. That means I get to sweat as much and detoxify. Just a 15- minute stay inside relaxes the tensions in my body and changes my mood. Many studies have also proven how Sauna improves the immune system because it increases our body temperatures. When our temperature increases (as in fever) our immune system is doubling its effort to fight infections. And so on and so forth. By the way, Gaga is insomniac so this Sauna should also be helping her get to sleep.

The smell of wood is truly relaxing. I would often feel that I am in a forest completely naked, but not feeling cold. It is freedom and it makes me glow inside and out! There was one time however when I thought of the gas chambers the Nazis used to annihilate the Jews. A sad part of history, but we should as people have learned a lot from that. Anyway, back to my freedom!

The jacuzzi is lots of fun too. We leave it to go back to the dry Sauna again. And to the cold water of the swimming pool. A one- hour activity for our bodies and minds. So soothing and relaxing.

We thank our husbands for working so hard for us to be able to pay this little luxury and pleasure!

Note: The picture is not at the Spa Valley.

Do not be afraid, do not move, no one will see us
Stay as you are, no one will look at you
Your body from me, your skin, your lips
Close your eyes, no one can see us...

I am here at your side, do you feel me?
When I touch you for the first time, it will be with my lips
You will feel the warmth but you will not know where
Perhaps it will be on your eyes
I will press my mouth to your eyes and you will feel the warmth...

Open your eyes now my beloved. look at me
You will forever be throwing your head back
I will be forever shaking off my tears
This moment has to be This moment will continue from now until forever
That there are no random acts.
That we are all connected
That you can no more separate one life from another
Than you can separate a breeze from the wind.

I got that poetry from the movie, Silk. One of the most romantic movies I love. When I heard it narrated in the movie I was stunned and moved.

refreshing my spirit

I promised myself that never should there be a day without me having a minute to stop for my body, mind and soul to refresh. Yes, just like wriggling-off your body of some excesses (bad thoughts and bad spirits too).

Well, I practice some one-minute meditations. This activity is quick and yet it gives me a dose of some positive energies enough for a day. I tried doing it with some of my clients before our counseling sessions and have observed that they are receptive to it. It is called "just-a-minute" meditation (CD) given by a friend, Tita Corrie who is from the Brahma Kumaris. The mantras are psychologically supportive so I also let my children listen to it. My kids and I attended some of their spiritual awakening activities and I think it is one enriching experience wherein you get to practice "listening and understanding your inner self" . There is not much investment involved except your time and willingness. Try it.

However, there are times when I am not really able to sit down on it , so I usually have to incorporate some mantras whenever I have my simple pleasures of a cup of chocolate or coffee and sometimes tea. Chocolate (the beverage) as I have featured has always been a part of my bloodstream since time immemorial. And I am happy that it is becoming more popular nowadays because of its health-giving attributes. It came upon me when I was a teenager, that chocolates are unhealthy and has to stop eating it or else I get heavier and stockier. But of course, I did not stop. Anyway, another beverage that is so positive to me is the coffee. I got addicted to it when I was working before in a non-profit organization. Got unfixed and long hours of work that I started to have more than a cup a day. Made my mind work faster. The tea gives me the calmness I need because I am usually frantic about just anything else. There was a time in my life, when I dreaded it. I came to like it however when I have to lose some weight and tried all kinds of tea. I learned later that it is not the losing of weight that was significant about drinking tea but the calmness it gives me.

But there is more to it. Yes I do find myself happy during solitary moments but it is always interestingly different when I am with other people. I always wanted to feature and emphasize relationships because I believe in appreciating it above the imperfections of the persons behind it.

Friendship. Well I found this interesting woman whom I did not expect to endure me at all (har har har). She is ten years younger than I am and we do enjoy doing things together. Watch serious and funny movies. There was one serious movie (Silk) wherein from start to finish, we just kept on laughing. It is because of the outrageous subtitles that really made us both crazy. We also love music. We both share some common interests but what is amazing is that we can both tolerate those that does not interest us at all. By the way, I borrowed "One Hundread Years of Solitude" from her. It may take me a hundread years too, to finish it. Great book! Well, I let her buy the books and I read it har har har. Seems like we have the same understanding on a couple of things too. Our brainwaves seems to talk with each other and that means I do not have to tell her what I meant and the same way with her. We talk and joke about sex. And laugh. And laugh more. Now I know what binds us together, it is our LAUGHTERS.

Just that one is enough for me. Laughters. Not even our secrets. Gaga (the one in red in the picture) is the friend I am talking about. Well, I think a dose of her gives me a lift also. Just like the chocolate, coffee and tea. One just have to identify the character of each beverage and with the right mix and stirring, one gets to taste the best of each cup.

Sometimes we just really have to be simple in identifying what binds us to a friend to keep the relationship. It is much complicated if one starts doing a list of what a bestfriend should be or not because it is frustrating in the end. Just like any relationships, friendship is a long process. It is also an exploration. A big challenge. But most of all, it needs nurturing.

clinging to a comfort zone

When I thought of glazed bliss for my blog name, foremost in my mind was to have a venue to express my reflections and biases, on the ways and means to get to that two-fold happiness called bliss.

And I am mighty glad that the road to it is unlimited. Depending of course with each person's unique orientations and experiences, all of us can identify "who, what, where, when and how" our kind of bliss is.

I have one weighty comfort zone to share. Yes, he is a "comfort zone" for me.

Joseph "Joe" K. Selvaggio. If you are from Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA, this man's name should "ring a bell" so loudly to you. That name may even go farther around the globe, for all I know. But I should shy away from his grand and endless achievements plus his popularity because those are secondary to what I think is substantial to me- our bonding.

Met him, not by chance, because he is married to my aunt. Technically, he belongs to the family as my American uncle. Not bad. But he seemed to be meek and sober at that time. I do not fairly remember, if I even had a chance to talk to him the first time we met.

By chance, he came over to Davao City, Philippines in 2000. I was surprised myself, when I rushed and gave him my tightest hug ever. I thought later, my welcome gesture was rather so unusual. Because we really do not know each other, even if he was an uncle. I wondered if he was comfortable with such a greeting. But it was amazing that - that kind of gesture was the start of our special bonding.

I know he was not comfortable with our set-up at home, but I observed that he was gamely just enjoying my accommodations. He offered to sleep on the floor and in a very narrow space of the room because he gave up his bed to the other members of the family. I think, it is thoughtful. His stay was quick, but his presence did not cease because he became a part of my everyday life since then.

We shared each others views on so many matters about life and relationships. We talked about books that we read. We discussed endlessly the many "tsismis" (gossips) in the family. He visited (came back to Davao, again). He worked (observed him with the poor and beneficiaries of their charities). We enjoyed special moments with the other members of the family in Manila. Movies were a favorite topic, too. There was a time when we actually watched the same movie (Denzel Washington's "The Great Debaters") at the same time - only that he was in Minneapolis and I was in Davao. I would know where he is in this part of the world, because he sends me postcards. Emails were frequent and as essential as the air we breath. He knew all of my confusions and craziness. And we laughed a lot about his jokes from his "bible of jokes". I knew when he is grumpy. He knew when I was not in the mood (he will call me then as "manic depressive).

My TJ (Tito Joe), as i fondly call him need not be physically near to give me this kind of enlightenment and pleasure. With him, I developed wisdom that has enhanced the way I deal with the many issues of life, love and sex. The many ways we have accomplished happy moments together were all inspiration to my existence. Upsetting ones were as valuable too. All matters to me.

We still get in touch! And I grossly say that, time and space between us is so unfair.

another attempt to poetry

thoughts of you run fondly
but finding its way nowhere else

thoughts settle down now
cling deeply somewhere else

Rather find its way
to the depths of the heart of my soul!

affection in another construct

Omar, you do not have to be close to Tatay for him to feel your love. You do not have to nurse him, either. You need not, really. When we arrived together on Christmas Eve (2008), I was afraid that the sight of tatay will stun you! And I was right.

Sometimes its better to be distant. If it is the way you can better express your love and care for him, we all understand. We see your heart more than your actions. You have done so much by just arriving and making it possible for the family to be together, again.

Your short hugs, kisses and talks with him, were not short for him, at all. With his drifting faculties, time is beyond his recognition. But in the science of behavior, such an affection is forever marked in his heart, mind and soul.

If you were my son, I will shower you with all my blessings and love. I will trust you with all your decisions and choices. And will accept it as well. Will have forgiven you with all your imperfections by now because you have given me with such great pride and joy.

That could be what tatay would want to say to you. Can I say that in his behalf?

Omar is my brother. He lives in Houston, Texas with his wonderful family, Marilou (his wife), Jamie and Jan (his really amazing kids). You wouldn't believe this, but our family is twice blessed because Marilou's sister is also married to our youngest brother, Kokoy.

He is the most intelligent among us. That statement will make me one too, I guess. Har har har! But even if he is always distant emotionally (this is debatable though he he), he's got an excellent response cognitively. Why, he is a consistent achiever and always landing on top with any of his endeavors. And that makes me really feel great to have such a brother. The same goes to my sister Cristina and Kokoy!

I am glad he visited my blog.

a rejoinder to glazed bliss indeed

This is the picture I was referring to in the fourth paragraph of the article. I posted it when I wrote the article but replaced it later. If you visit Davao, please do go to this place, Camp Sabros. Aside from this attraction, you can go to the nearby Tudaya Falls. I regret not being able to go there but I heard, it is a "sight to behold".

something in the rain

It was a delight to hear the rustle of the rain as I got up from my bed. Have been blessed with this downpour for almost three days now and yes, this chilliness is not too very often here in Davao. Well, it is some kind of a welcome treat to my humid and dry habitat.

Even with one million things on my mind, my body responded automatically to my morning routine, while I listened to the news on TV (yes! i meant TV not radio) and still hear that heavy downpour outside. Now, I wonder why i do not have a radio at home, anyway I think I have to write something about that. And the smell, hhhmmmm!!! it was my hot chocolate rice porridge in the pot. Perfect! Nothing has gone really wrong yet. Then I gasped, "Oooohhh this is not an ordinary day I have got today"!!!!

I noticed that every time I cruise this part of the hi-way to bring the kids to school, I get into this (bad) habit of looking for something to get upset with (I have another article for this. I do have a list of the things that upsets me - only on the road) And when I stop (not the vehicle!) and contemplate, I interpret it this way - I have such an "unconfused routine and I have the feeling that my life is so much in harmony with my being me and my environment" (read: boring).

Damn such a bad thought! There is so much confusion, hunger, grief, injustice, anger and pain all around the globe. And I am looking for one or more? Look at the women and children in Gaza. The unrest in Zimbabwe. Grim at the Wall Street. Landslide in Samar. And so on and so forth. And here I am feeling like an idiot...looking for some irritants?

And I say to myself. You do not have the right to get bored. You are lucky, you have time to listen to the sound of that downpour. Not too many people get to savor it. Not too many people stop to feel the rain. Yes, not too many people find meaning with it.

So I go on. From my view, as I cruise the remaining 3- kilometer part of the hi-way, I see the glorious Mt. Apo - the tallest mountain peak in the Philippines. So splendid. Majestic. When not raining, one will see her with the two other smaller mountains and ranges of hills in complete harmony with the white and fluffy clouds in various formations. And the formations are never the same everyday.

Yes, Mt. Apo stays awesome when raining, too. Just some changes of hues. Some windiness here. Some haziness there. But her character remains. It is unchanging.

The downpour persisted. And I insisted to get on with my direction. With my tasks. With my life.

Love thy father

Dearest tatay,

It is too difficult for me to express the grief that I felt when I came rushing to your bedside at the Philippine Heart Center, last November. You were so thin, jaundiced and pale, so lame - that you could not move your body on your own and so generally helpless. When I talked to you, you were a bit off than normal. So different from the very intelligent father whom I knew all my life. But I was glad that you recognized me. Did you see my tears rolling down from my face, when I was looking down at you - there on your bed lying and trying to explain what you wanted? Your smile did lift me up though.

I kept whispering to you that Cristina (my sister who lives in Minnesota,USA) is coming home even without any certainty from her. That is because, between the two of us, she got a better relationship with you. I was thinking, it would be she who could give you comfort and care that you need, instead of mine. Now I think that is unfair. You would not think that way. Not in that condition. Not in normal condition, too. Then I realized, it was me who was weakening. I just cannot bear to see you in great pain and fear. That I want to runaway. Forgive me.

Before Cristina arrived, I was blessed to have spent days and nights with you. During those times, I kept whispering in your ears verses from the bible, enlightening poems, news, informations you want and my thoughts of you. I kept rubbing your forehead, you hands and your whole body to relieve you of that indescribable pain you are trying to keep to yourself. And I again realized that everything was effortless from my part. I love what I was doing and it feels so light! Fathers and daughters should have these kind of moments to themselves. Cristina, later on reminded me that you and I have loving moments together when I was young. So sad, that those memories got drained somewhere. I think, I really wanted to make-up for all the years that I did not give our relationship a chance to recover. Forgive me.

Do you remember our trips to the chapel, the corridors of the Philippine Heart Center's 3rd floor and Deli France? Oh my, you should have seen my face beaming as I push you around from that wheelchair. Because I want you to be happy and free from that boring hospital bed you dreaded so much! Those moments also made me feel how great it is to have a father just so very close to me. I say this because I thought, I could carry on with my life without resolving issues with you. One is ...my crazy thought that you do not really love or like me at all. I do not know, where I got that idea...but that is what I felt. Forgive me.

During those days, when I did sponge you, wiped your ass and your genitals, carry you, change your diapers, feed you etc. I was again brought back to my childhood days. Every time my hands touch every part of you, I also felt your tender and loving touch when I was a young child. I shuddered. I weeped. I regret.

God, we are making amends - only that it happened in your most vulnerable condition. I had a heavy feeling when I left you last November. The expression of your face when you rushed to bade us goodbye is so vivid in my mind. My crying did not cease even until the time I was at the arms of my husband and children in Davao.

Thank you for still being there last Christmas (2008). This time, even if I was distracted with our relatives who came to see you, I was mighty glad that we both have time together, once more. It meant a great deal! I have added some more soft and tender touches, loving and caring words into your heart and mind and nourishment into your soul. I do not think that is enough though.

I also do not think this is acceptable to many, but I whispered " You have done so much for me and the family. You have provided us with the best that you can. You have made many people happy also. If you are so very tired, I want you to know that I am letting you go. I am forgiving you with all the things you have done that has angered and pained me before, and I hope you forgive me with all the disappointments and lots of pain as well, that I have given you." Forgive me.

Everyday that you are given another chance to live gives me more hope that we will see each other again! Now, I do not wish to count years of good relationship between the two of us. A minute of conversation, a quick "I love you", a reminder to stay calm, an assurance that we are here - is what we only have to look forward to. It is as good as one year or so. When I hear your voice growling in deep pain over the phone, my heart also is being pricked so very deeply. I do not know which is more painful - to see you gone or see you in that condition? I do not know.

My grief is still here. If I can get that pain in your body, you know I would. But I guess, for our souls to depart lightly, we have to have that pain.

I wonder if you ever felt that I love you.

I think you do.

Be blissful then.

glazed bliss indeed

Who wouldn't want bliss in life? Much more when glazed? Ohhh well, that simple thought, is where my blogspot name originated.

Today is my blogspot's birthday and I have to acknowledge someone whom I have to mention (he insisted har har har ) because he taught me how to try blogging. If I will not recognize that effort, I know he would literally "walk out of my life"... He is none other than...Joel Balaquit! Well, he is a friend who have been consistently telling and pushing me to write. And he also thinks, I have a "beautiful mind". Whatever he meant, it should mean well, I guess. So this blog is so grateful to you, dear friend! And he is my very first follower too...so, what a privilege indeed! Will be revealing more about friendship and our story in many articles to come...Ohhh yessss, we have such a history!

Glazing my life are my children. They all came to me unplanned, but their existence has given me the perk I just needed everyday. It was tough raising them
but I could not have been a better person, if not for the love and understanding that were given back to me by Kaiser Jei David 23, Angelo Cellini 17, and Karlsen 15. Sometimes I still wake up...ooohh so unbelieving how fast these kids have grown! Did these persons really came from me? My thoughts on raising my kids in some of my most imperfect ways is so immense. And I am mighty amazed seeing the result to be surprisingly pleasant with them. They are the much improved version of my disposition, behavior, expression , etc. etc. My children are so lovable in their own unique ways and so very different from me (thank goodness !)... And that should make me the happiest mother on this planet. I happen to have some knowledge in Psychology and will share to you, how I had, just the hardest time understanding my children (most of the time) when it is so very easy for me to understand other children's misdemeanors...Arrrrggggghhhhhh!

Dya see that picture I posted? Believe it or not! … Yes, I am there… Take a closer look ...I am gliding through that zip line! We went to Camp Sabros in August last year. It is a three-hour drive from Davao City and you bet, going up to the Camp was so exhausting but FUN and we really had a great time when we were up there. Everyone just wanted to experience that ride - the longest zip line in Southeast Asia (Am I right? Anyone can react har har har) It was a treat by my friend and I am glad, I did what I have to - cross the other side and back twice : one (1) 400 -meter and two (2) 350-meter zip line and one (1) 350-meter nice and slow cable ride. Well, now that the children are all grown-up, bonding is no longer limited to the normal things we do in the family. Adventures of that same or higher level should be expected. So what would be the "next big thing"? Ohhh mmmyyy God! Anyway, I dedicate (har har har) that fearless "zip ride" to my children, husband and especially to me. Now I know, I could do more from my life.

My mind lately has been preoccupied with thoughts of doing something "great". And all I could think of is "chocolates". So I kept myself busy reading about it...."yessss, yummmy chocolates" for a business venture. For as long as I can remember, I have always loved that "creation". I think the cacao tree is the first one I recognized (just kidding!)when I was young. It should be. Or maybe its fruit or the beans came early into my recognition because my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.) produces the best chocolate products in our native hometown in Samar. Of course, we did not own a hacienda of cacao trees, but I remember the pleasure of tasting the best chocolate delicacies and food back home. Well, that is too personal of a reflection, but history also shows the fascinating evolution of chocolates as "food for the gods" during the 17th century or even earlier into today's commercialized chocolates available for every "chocolate lover" anywhere else in this planet. Stay with me for this venture...This could make me rich. Then will lead me to another blissful journey ha ha ha ha.

I failed to recognize my partner, Celin earlier in my article. He should be another source of happiness. My hubby and I do not have a perfect set-up, but the space and time between us, enhances the persons-in-us. That is way beyond our relationship! Ohhh well, he is most of the time away from me, but I think he knows where he is...so very close to my heart!

And I am not through yet with my bliss! The list is endless. Do visit me and be a part of my bliss!

Comforting Chocolate

I woke up feeling cold. The clouds are gray and drizzling outside. But foremost, I dont really want to be as gloomy as the weather! If I was not in a hurry to bring the children to school, I would love to sit in my rocking chair, face the garden, listen to the birds and have my cup of chocolate. But there was no time really. Have to drive to school, finish some errands, some telephone calls and alas....the most comforting cup of hot chocolate for today! I have "tableas" which I have formed into tiny flowers. Does not exactly look like flowers but pure chocolates in that form look charming. That is my first product to be sold. I am in the process of studying its process and consistency. Do this and we will have the comforting chocolate drink as easy as: a) Let boil 3 cups ( 1 cup measures 150ml) b) Add 2 pure chocolates c) Stir and add the right amount of sugar.

Now, for a more discriminating taste har har har. You can put some cream (but surely this will also add some calories, I won't tell but will make you look heavy), cinnamon (have you heard that when men smells this, they get kinda turned-on, if not romantic? har har har try it and tell me if it works) or vanilla.

That's it for this morning. I have to face more challenging chores such as my laundry, cleaning the rooms and a lot more. Have fun today! Be blissful!