rumpling that anger away

My son, where are you getting that anger bestowed on me?

You used to be my only one.
My very first born baby boy.

Since you were the first, I barely knew how to take care of babies. But I know I did my best. Well I was a very young mother then and I would say that it was a rewarding experiment to raise you up because as a baby you were so perfect, beautiful, cuddly and a not -so- difficult one. I want you to know that you gave me utmost happiness even when I was so very confused with my life when you came.

Maybe you felt and saw amounts of anger from me. I was angry at myself because I was not prepared to have you. What I meant is, if there was something wrong with what you've heard or felt, it was not intended for you.

As you were growing, you remained to be a charming and lovable little boy. Everyone in the family just adored you and your antics.

Did I tell you that even when there were cousins and 2 younger brothers who came years later, you remained to be lovable and charming to us? Was it also during this time when I first hit you? You just do not know how badly I felt that I hurt you physically.

Maybe you thought I have transferred my affection to your younger siblings. My son, a person can give as much affection as he or she can. And to as many objects/persons as one can, too. If I hurt you during these years, it did not mean that I love you less than I do to them.

When I discovered your impairment, maybe you have heard me say hurting words and would have seen the worst in me. But it was meant for me, alone. I was frustrated with myself because I felt responsible for that. I was not angry at you because I know even if your left ear is now permanently damaged, it will not stop you from being happy and discover and appreciate the beauty of life.

Maybe you thought I will not be able to accept you. My son, life does not stop because of an impairment. My ways of communicating might just be threatening to you, but I want you to know that it is my fear that you will get hurt because of your impairment. I realized that it was my fear, not yours.

Your teenage years was a big mess, you and I. Between me and you.

We've had countless fights. But I want you to remember, that I was also at your side during some of your bad moments. I was angry at myself because I did not understand what you want to do. I also did not listen to what you want from me. Even if there were times that I would exert extra effort to understand you and your friends, I just felt so helpless and exhausted getting inside your thoughts and heart.

Maybe you thought, I stopped loving you. I was angry at myself because I was myself in one big crisis emotionally. I think I was not able to give you much attention. Or maybe I have given you lots of attention when you did not need it at all.

Now, you are an adult. The last terrible fight we had was a surprise. You told me about an incident a long, long time ago. Something that I do not even remember. I did not know that I have hurt you so very deeply. Is it beyond repair, now?

I got this from a book I read it says " Parents rarely let go of their children, so the children let go of them". What do you think? Do you want to let go of me?

Where are you getting that anger towards me?

Please go deeply down to your subconscious mind and feel my warm kisses and embraces. Our laughter. Our moments together. Our love. We were one then, when you were inside me. Remember. Feel. And come back to me. I know deep in your heart, you must love me.

My son, I make mistakes. I do not want you to grow up nurturing that anger towards me. I do not want you to go through the same mistake I did to my parents. It was such a heavy toll to carry.