Love thy father

Dearest tatay,

It is too difficult for me to express the grief that I felt when I came rushing to your bedside at the Philippine Heart Center, last November. You were so thin, jaundiced and pale, so lame - that you could not move your body on your own and so generally helpless. When I talked to you, you were a bit off than normal. So different from the very intelligent father whom I knew all my life. But I was glad that you recognized me. Did you see my tears rolling down from my face, when I was looking down at you - there on your bed lying and trying to explain what you wanted? Your smile did lift me up though.

I kept whispering to you that Cristina (my sister who lives in Minnesota,USA) is coming home even without any certainty from her. That is because, between the two of us, she got a better relationship with you. I was thinking, it would be she who could give you comfort and care that you need, instead of mine. Now I think that is unfair. You would not think that way. Not in that condition. Not in normal condition, too. Then I realized, it was me who was weakening. I just cannot bear to see you in great pain and fear. That I want to runaway. Forgive me.

Before Cristina arrived, I was blessed to have spent days and nights with you. During those times, I kept whispering in your ears verses from the bible, enlightening poems, news, informations you want and my thoughts of you. I kept rubbing your forehead, you hands and your whole body to relieve you of that indescribable pain you are trying to keep to yourself. And I again realized that everything was effortless from my part. I love what I was doing and it feels so light! Fathers and daughters should have these kind of moments to themselves. Cristina, later on reminded me that you and I have loving moments together when I was young. So sad, that those memories got drained somewhere. I think, I really wanted to make-up for all the years that I did not give our relationship a chance to recover. Forgive me.

Do you remember our trips to the chapel, the corridors of the Philippine Heart Center's 3rd floor and Deli France? Oh my, you should have seen my face beaming as I push you around from that wheelchair. Because I want you to be happy and free from that boring hospital bed you dreaded so much! Those moments also made me feel how great it is to have a father just so very close to me. I say this because I thought, I could carry on with my life without resolving issues with you. One is ...my crazy thought that you do not really love or like me at all. I do not know, where I got that idea...but that is what I felt. Forgive me.

During those days, when I did sponge you, wiped your ass and your genitals, carry you, change your diapers, feed you etc. I was again brought back to my childhood days. Every time my hands touch every part of you, I also felt your tender and loving touch when I was a young child. I shuddered. I weeped. I regret.

God, we are making amends - only that it happened in your most vulnerable condition. I had a heavy feeling when I left you last November. The expression of your face when you rushed to bade us goodbye is so vivid in my mind. My crying did not cease even until the time I was at the arms of my husband and children in Davao.

Thank you for still being there last Christmas (2008). This time, even if I was distracted with our relatives who came to see you, I was mighty glad that we both have time together, once more. It meant a great deal! I have added some more soft and tender touches, loving and caring words into your heart and mind and nourishment into your soul. I do not think that is enough though.

I also do not think this is acceptable to many, but I whispered " You have done so much for me and the family. You have provided us with the best that you can. You have made many people happy also. If you are so very tired, I want you to know that I am letting you go. I am forgiving you with all the things you have done that has angered and pained me before, and I hope you forgive me with all the disappointments and lots of pain as well, that I have given you." Forgive me.

Everyday that you are given another chance to live gives me more hope that we will see each other again! Now, I do not wish to count years of good relationship between the two of us. A minute of conversation, a quick "I love you", a reminder to stay calm, an assurance that we are here - is what we only have to look forward to. It is as good as one year or so. When I hear your voice growling in deep pain over the phone, my heart also is being pricked so very deeply. I do not know which is more painful - to see you gone or see you in that condition? I do not know.

My grief is still here. If I can get that pain in your body, you know I would. But I guess, for our souls to depart lightly, we have to have that pain.

I wonder if you ever felt that I love you.

I think you do.

Be blissful then.