after the storm

I wanted to get away from my husband for countless times during his vacation this year. Although we were always together since he came, I thought I was so distant from him. I often tell him, that I have to get somewhere alone. He always waited.

One time when I walked away from him, I took the picture above. What is that? Those were two doves getting a dip in a puddle, right in the middle of a street in Nasipit.

Nobody cannot see and understand that I was deeply broken inside because I was the one in trouble about my relationship with him. And if I had a lot of courage telling him all the things that I felt, I was amazed at his courage for "holding on".

I was "on and off" with him.

There were times when I think there is not much a relationship needed really. The two doves have nothing except each other and a dirty puddle. And the territory they are into.

I just cannot get over this craziness. I wrote a long poem but I cannot write it down here because it was full of hatred. Hatred for a person who seems to be loving me endlessly and unconditionally. I am crazy!

Then, my country was hit by another storm that left so much devastation to thousands of people and property. I just cannot believe that from where I was comfortably sitting and laughing out loud with my friends together with my husband and mother, Metro Manila was in great peril.

I have to get on with our everyday life. And my husband have to keep on dealing with me.

There was a heavy downpour in Metro Davao but I hardly felt it except for the damaged gutter I have. I call it my "mini Niagara Falls" because water just flows profusely especially when the downpour is just heavy. I have not the "right amount" in my pocket to have it repaired so meantime, some pictures and books and some paintings have been soiled by it.

I have such a turbulent month emotionally. Writing not about what I feel but more on what I am seeing around me. I forgot that this testimony and blog might just be my legacy to my children when I die. They have to learn from what I am thinking and feeling so when it is their time, they get to get some craziness from their dead mom through this (har har har).

I stopped looking at the damage left by the storm.

One night, I told my husband that I appreciate his never ending love for me.

I cried when he told me that if in case I will never love him back again, that I should stay with my children because my children needs me more than him. He will go away.

I always tend to forget that blessings come in different packages.

When I was bitching my husband for many weeks now, I did not see much of the blessings I have. My husband again showed his goodness and kind-hearted ways for he was always there for me even during the days that I did not love him at all.

He was so consistent with his love for me. I faltered several times. He was always there to catch me. And embraced me again and again.

no fear

In this part of Mindanao, trucks like this abound. I do not exactly know what kind of logs these are (Falcatta trees, I guess) but what scares me is how safe these logs are tucked. From its behind, that is how it looked.

Here is another truck. These are not logs but a kind of scrap material from the trees. Ha ha, some kind of amazing for me too!

There is no way I would go near or beside that truck!

They look like these sideways! "The Lord is my Tower" says the truck's sign.

Underneath the truck is the driver resting in a hamper tied at the truck's assembly down there. Some of them even prepare their meals (underneath too) by making make-shift stove made of big stones.

Nice pose!

chocolates de cielo

This is how I package my "chocolates de cielo".

The brown bag is the ordinary one, but I am looking for a supplier who produces a bag using a local material like a paper made from banana scrap for my future package. Inside the bag, I prepare a dozen home-made chocolates. The plastic container got 2 dozens.

Hope it looks appealing!

deep sleep

I was surprised that no one around tried to help this man. I thought that he was hurt, so I asked a lady who was peeling bananas of what had happened to the man. And further asked, "Are we not going to ask for some help?"

The lady just said, "Ohh he dropped dead from too much drink, so just let him sleep there."

I went back to the vehicle and asked to myself, so the man does not need help because he was drunk?

I came across another being in another crowded marketplace. The same awful day. And no one cares.

So here is another soul who is sound asleep in the street.

Maybe this one is not drunk like the first one. Maybe homeless. Maybe.

fallen tree

My trees have been waiting for a trim for such a long time now. They have grown so tall and it just needed a cut.

Here is my tree cutter, who for such a long time seems to have a schedule so different from mine. We never meet. Whenever he comes, I am usually on my way out. But today, he finally came with his bike. With a propeller of an electric fan which he claims aid him to keep cool on the streets.

I marvel at how he clings from branch to branch. Like Tarzan.

Now for sometime, my birds will find another home.

my plight

"If I could fly, I would have had"

emptiness

For the third time in my marriage, I feel nothing towards him.

I do not know how this state of mind and heart embraces me.

Often now.

I expect everyone in the family to "point their fingers at me" as the bad one.

Can you not see, why I drift?

tatay's thermos

My mom was unusually sober today when we took-off to bring the children to school. She was sobbing when I started the vehicle.

So during the whole 20 minute drive to the school, we talked about my father. We talk about my father everyday but most of the time I would joke and usually talk to her almost the same way my father used to talk to her. She liked it. I do that just to make Nanay feel better and I know if other people will hear us, I would sound very disrespectful.

I think I am kind of getting through some "hormonal" spells too, so I was in a serious mood today.

I got non-family passengers, but I let her express her thoughts. And because I am in an "a_ _ hole" mood, she got some "hard talk" from my tongue.

She cannot forget Tatay.

"Of course, we should not forget him. But if remembering him gives you that indescribable pain and loneliness (especially in a prolonged period of time) then it is no longer healthy. Remember him for all the bad and good things you have had together and make those memories serve as an inspiration to renew relationships or change some behavior or thoughts to the people who are alive and around you now".

She got depression.

"Stop claiming that depression. Even if you were clinically diagnosed (which I doubt!). We all get some short spells of depression, frequent to some, but everyone just have the capacity to stand and help one self. Do something. Depression clings to idleness".

Acceptance of death is quite a long process, again for some it is short but a long process to many. And what makes "bereavement" outstandingly long is "clinging". Start leading your life by being independent. If you can't at the moment, include your children and grandchildren in those plans you are concocting in your mind".

"Live longer and healthy, for it is in your eyes that Tatay will see his grandchildren graduate and have successful careers and family life". Tatay expressed most of his thoughts and wishes to you, so please don't waste your life going back. You got to move forward and without Tatay".

"Tatay is in another spectrum of life and you are given this opportunity to be his channel to your children and grandchildren. Live your life. Tatay is gone".

"If you will not accept that challenge, then are you ready to go with him"?

She said startled and smiling now, "Oh no".

with or without money

For a month now, I stopped counting money.

It is because there is nothing to count. I am however amazed that there is always some money to pay the bills at least until tomorrow.

I do not know how it feels to have lots of it. When my husband used to come home with lots of money, we still have a couple of fights. Without money, we also have a couple of fights.

With money we get lots of fun. Without money, we also got lots of fun.

What could be the money's significance then?

Would I be the same with lots of money? Will I love more or less with lots of money?

Money, money, money.

Sometimes I wish, there was another way for exchanging goods around.

street art

I like to look at a woman's body. More than I appreciate a man's body, I guess. There is something in their contours that makes women attractive. And of course, it is how they are able to create human beings from their wombs (thanks to the males for the sperms har har har) that I think makes women sensual and sensitive.

Those were my thoughts when I saw this design on a jeepney.

I liked this design because of some supernatural element on it. I have always wanted to see strong women who could defend themselves from domestic abuses. I want to see women get their fair share of opportunities and income. I want to see women love their bodies, thoughts and emotions. I have always wanted to be a strong woman.

I did not like this design but I took a picture of it. Looking at designs help me get some ideas on strokes and style. I first thought of the design as "fires of hell". I have to avoid that!

Here is another pattern from the same vehicle. I did not like this but just the same, I took a picture for posting purposes. It looks grim to me. Not sure if it is a vulture or an eagle.

In 5 years time, I will put some drawing on my vehicle so when I am in the streets, I look at the different designs so I know what is good to one's eye.

Well, Dinosaur stories amaze me so I found this interesting too! But the drawing is plain and little too dull for me!

I try to appreciate all those insignificant stuff (for some) around me. I think, those little things help me learn how to appreciate more!

another ride

I have to apologize first for taking this picture without the man's knowledge. I thought of featuring his wheelchair because I find it as amazing as the bike with the propeller I wrote the other day.

Well this is the same place I took a picture of the bike with the propeller. I could have approached the man but I was in a distance and was about to leave when he came.

I am going to this building on a regular basis now because I accompany or drop my mother for her thermal massage in this place. There are many elderly here for that free thermal massage that my mother seems to like.

Anyway, the man got club feet (a kind of deformity). But he came really strong probably than most of us!

His wheelchair got an adjoining front wheel. I saw him drive forward by using a kind of axle bar (like in the bike) in front of him that makes his wheelchair run. He uses both his hands in shifting those axle bars . I do not know if I am using the terms correctly because I do not know how it runs really. But he surely could independently move to places with his wheelchair. He was even able to mount that elevation he was on.

But I liked the attitude behind it. A physical deformity indeed does not stop a person in settling in seclusion. I admire him for that and I wish to talk to him and get some good (and bad points maybe) about life!

Be blissful!

suicidal rat

Hey, don't you jump! Eeeeeewwwwwww!

I am talking to the small rat on the edge of my shelf early morning today.

Ohh, and he did come near me! Grrrrhhh damn rat!

And nearer! Get out! Out!

Yah, it can't get out! He got to figure out how to climb down first!

a proud bike

I saw this bicycle in a parade of big bikes but I was not able to take its picture. Well, the bicycle was of course the "center of attraction" in a sea of big bikes. And I was surprised the other day when it parked beside me.

I got curious because the bicycle has some alterations. There is a steering wheel. The owner told me he uses it when he is cruising an even flat lane. He claims, he runs faster when he uses it. He uses the usual handle bar (I am not sure if this is the right name of the bicycle part) when going up. Well, the roof is wood with some flat steel on its side. The owner claims he used this bike as far as 50 kilometers from the city. He has been to Kidapawan, Digos and Tagum using it.

His bike got a propeller that always attract many onlookers. The owner claims the propeller makes his travel faster. The bike got a bigger wheel in front but thinner. The big wheel in front is for him not to get thrown when he uses the brakes. But I did not see any cable of the brakes. Oh, maybe he meant whenever he stops.

I got curious of "how to balance" such a heavy bike so I asked if I can try it. Har har, the owner feared that I might fall. He said, there was a friend who keep on insisting that he could ride his bike, so he let him. His friend figured in an accident, so he said I better not.

It was nice chatting with the owner who looks trim for a 59- year old man who proudly posed near his amazing bike.

I want to develop such a pride like he has. He himself is a pride of his genre. I thought we always can create something even without much resources.

foot spa

Move over Hang Ten!

I pity my feet because even if I abuse it everyday, it is the last thing for me to give reward to. When was my last foot spa? It was I think 3 years ago. When was the last time I soaked it in a relaxing warm water? Last February during my father's funeral. When was the last time it was pedicured? That was a long, long time ago.

Today I gave my feet a walk in the clouds. It was heavenly!

it's time to be a mom

I wrote something about our pet, Pawie in my previous features. She is our spoiled pet dog (but only when my kids are around). I hate it when she snobs my scolding her whenever she did something bad. She only follows me when the children are not around. Because she seems to be so immature I thought that if she would become a mom, then maybe she will change.

My friend, Donna got a gorgeous dog (a mix between Chihuahua and Japanese Spitz and with his picture above). His name is Tootie. I thought of playing with both their genes. Our Pawie is pure Japanese Spitz and I could just imagine what their babies would look like. I think they will produce lovely puppies.

I brought along Pawie to Tootie, but our pet kept on refusing. It was frustrating for all of us because we were all excited for both of them. The trouble with our Pawie is that she thought she is the male. She often tries to mount some other dogs. She once tried it with our neighbor's Pitbull (that is how crazy she is!).

Because Pawie kept on refusing Tootie, I took him home. Tootie surprisingly seems to be so "very at home" here. I was surprised that Tootie has some kind of connection to us. It was his first time to go with strangers. Well, I have observed that my children have some kind of spell when it comes to animals. And I often tell my friends "lapitin talaga kami ng mga hayop (tao man o hindi)" har har har. Hayop means animal in our language and sometimes used to people (liked or disliked).

Well, I hope something good happened to both of them when we were all asleep. This morning we returned Tootie home. I hope this short tryst made them both happy and produce lovely puppies later on.

the snake

We saw this little snake inside a box while rummaging on my dead father's books. When we opened the box, the snake was as surprised as we were. It was tiny but when it started lifting its head towards us in a fighting mode, I kept gushing "Oh my God" endlessly and "What do we do"? crazily.

It was a tiny snake and I forgot all my emotional issues about my father's death instantly. My husband took a bolo (a long knife) and started poking on the helpless snake. Ohh if it were a big one, I think I would have fainted.

After the incident, I thought we could have just let it go. Maybe they do not mean harm to human beings. It is how they look that really gives me a creep. I hope they do not look like that way har har har!

But I am still afraid of snakes.

revisiting tatay's life

We left Davao at 4:30 am to go to Nasipit, Agusan Del Norte to visit, organize and settle things regarding my parents property. The house was emptied since September 2007 (my reference for this is the calendar page in the house).

Getting on the road early in the morning was exactly the same time tatay prefers to leave Davao when they came to visit us before. They used to drive to Davao weekly when tatay was still strong. During the travel, Nanay shared stories about Tatay that made her cry a couple of times. And most of the time, I was also thinking of "how tough it could be for her". My father and mother were always together and now that she is alone, I could see how devastated she was.

Approaching the bridge that connected us to Butuan City.

I was just glad we arrived and were only minutes away to Nasipit. The travel was good except for some road construction in Tagum and Monkayo that delayed us. We arrived here at around 9:00 am. Almost the same time my father died last February 23.

It is here when I broke into tears! I thought the following: Tatay coming to this building every working day for eleven years. It was a holiday so there was no one around except the guard. I noticed how dirty the building and premises were. This used to be clean when Tatay was the judge. Nanay said "Tatay used his own salary in buying stuff for cleaning". He was always clean. The plants around looked like they were not watered for several days.

As soon as I texted Kokoy that we were right in front of tatay's office, I noticed that I was crying.

This is the judge's sala and it was so messy inside. But I was really imagining Tatay in his black toga and hearing the cases filed in his court.
This used to be his office. Nanay and I kept on crying. She was telling me stories of how Tatay used to dote on Gello, that even when he was working, he would take time to personally attend to Angelo's needs and "caprichos".

It was really tough for Nanay who kept muttering that "Tatay could have been alive until this time". And I probably have stopped myself telling her of my thoughts about "letting go" because she has too far many memories of this place with Tatay.

We left the office silently. Nanay suggested we go to Pittman, a restaurant where Tatay and Gelo regularly eats. Their favorite restaurant. As I was driving towards the restaurant, I felt that I was bringing tatay back to the places he loved most.

I had several instances wherein I got goosebumps whenever we talk of the things that Nanay associated with Tatay along the way.
We were supposed to go straight to Nasipit but Nanay asked me to drive her back to the office of Tatay to bring some papers.
When we arrived at the gate of Nasipit property, I asked myself "How come Tatay loved it here when the place is so remote and creepy"? It was around 12 noon but way too breezy. It took us some time to get inside.
This is the building in front of their property. I was so exhausted and do not know how I will think and feel when we get inside, so I took this picture.

Getting inside the gate was difficult. Getting inside the house was more difficult because the locks were all rusted. While Nanay was opening the house, I announced "Tatay we are here". I went to the backyard. I was thinking of how Tatay or even Mamay have had several footmarks here. I thought " Is Tatay a lonely man"? I should suppose that he is not. This place made him happy and accomplished, I should never question that again.

Nanay having a hard time opening the garage and their living room.

When we got in, the place was a mess!

But it felt good to touch Tatay's robe that was still hanging. To get into their room and touch the bedsheets. I was exhausted from driving but when I got inside their room, I felt some strange energy that made me go through and pack Tatay's belongings. While I was opening his cabinets, that was when I smelled his strong perfume. I asked Nanay if she smelled it too. "Yes" she did smell Tatay.

I was not tired of the travel, I guess. It was my emotional journey to Tatay's life that made me so tired. I had a quick nap inside the vehicle but I was roused from it when Koy announced (on the telephone) that he got "mumps". It is in the video I have sent to you all.

I brought some of Tatay's belongings home to Davao. Had to dry clean some of his barong and jackets. By the way, Tatay started packing the things even before he left this world.

Of all the things that he has packed, he got only one carton labeled. He sealed the carton with packaging tapes. He personally wrote "Family pictures". The treasure, he took care of most. His family. We.