tatay's thermos

My mom was unusually sober today when we took-off to bring the children to school. She was sobbing when I started the vehicle.

So during the whole 20 minute drive to the school, we talked about my father. We talk about my father everyday but most of the time I would joke and usually talk to her almost the same way my father used to talk to her. She liked it. I do that just to make Nanay feel better and I know if other people will hear us, I would sound very disrespectful.

I think I am kind of getting through some "hormonal" spells too, so I was in a serious mood today.

I got non-family passengers, but I let her express her thoughts. And because I am in an "a_ _ hole" mood, she got some "hard talk" from my tongue.

She cannot forget Tatay.

"Of course, we should not forget him. But if remembering him gives you that indescribable pain and loneliness (especially in a prolonged period of time) then it is no longer healthy. Remember him for all the bad and good things you have had together and make those memories serve as an inspiration to renew relationships or change some behavior or thoughts to the people who are alive and around you now".

She got depression.

"Stop claiming that depression. Even if you were clinically diagnosed (which I doubt!). We all get some short spells of depression, frequent to some, but everyone just have the capacity to stand and help one self. Do something. Depression clings to idleness".

Acceptance of death is quite a long process, again for some it is short but a long process to many. And what makes "bereavement" outstandingly long is "clinging". Start leading your life by being independent. If you can't at the moment, include your children and grandchildren in those plans you are concocting in your mind".

"Live longer and healthy, for it is in your eyes that Tatay will see his grandchildren graduate and have successful careers and family life". Tatay expressed most of his thoughts and wishes to you, so please don't waste your life going back. You got to move forward and without Tatay".

"Tatay is in another spectrum of life and you are given this opportunity to be his channel to your children and grandchildren. Live your life. Tatay is gone".

"If you will not accept that challenge, then are you ready to go with him"?

She said startled and smiling now, "Oh no".