remembering grandmothers

The first time I felt the urge of running away from our house was - when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I actually did (ran away). And succeeded. I just got a gut feeling then that "I will not be harmed". And anyone who should notice me walking all alone, will bring me to where I want to go - to my grandmothers' house.

Of course, it happened according to my innocent plan because my father is popular in our place and I heard many people in the island say that "I do look like him".

Well, I came from the central part of the island town and our house is located on top of a hill. My grandmothers live near the sea. A few steps from their house will bring me to the sand, rocks and sea. And from the beach, one will see a picturesque site of the quiet and solemn town cemetery, set above the big mountain rocks and trees of green. One will have a mixed eerie and relaxed feeling upon seeing it. When I get tired of forever wading and swimming , I sit still on top of a rock and glance towards that direction . Now that I am an adult, I consider those as my very first human experiences of reflection and feelings of tranquility. And I do not get that from our house on a hill.

My home with my grandmothers, gave me not only the sand, rocks and sea but the feeling of what I can describe now as being untroubled, warm and free.

Untroubled because my 2 grandmothers (both spinsters) dote on me too much. I do not remember getting afraid and hungry when I am with them. They live on their own and without a man to protect them. I think, I got that strength from them. Even when they were both busy from the moment they woke up until it is time to retire at night, I felt taken cared of. Mamay Cilay who is a dressmaker and very good in crocheting was always talking to me even if her feet were busy shifting the pedals of her sewing machine. Her hands were never vacant with something to do ( from the threads she crochets to the rosary beads she moves when at prayer). Mamay Ninang is also very talkative. She cooks the best native delicacies for me to eat and the rest she sells. Even when I do not understand what they were talking about before ( but I suspect now that those could be about our neighbors and relatives har har har) I knew there is much sense to what they were saying. I also seldom hear them say something about men.

I think, they are women who knows what they want from life. One is for them not to have husbands and the second, is just to live their lives accordingly and simply. Did I hear them complain? I cannot remember, they just work and give.

Both are loving and caring. Mamay Cilay is the disciplinarian. She works hard so she hates it when you leave your plate with any leftover (not even a grain of rice). It should be clean. I remember making her laugh oftentimes and making her angry also when I come home late (from the nearby beach). But she is sick with asthma, that is why she does not want me to sleep beside her. But I sometimes sneak on her bed and she wakes up surprised having me beside her. She died when I was in high school. That was terrible because she was buried a day before we came. I am closer to Mamay Ninang because she is more tolerant of me and she was more expressive physically as in, she kisses and hugs me a lot. At night, I should sleep with my head not on my pillows, but on her arms. And I wake up in the morning still that way! That is amazing! She took care of me and my children until she died right here in my house at the age of 88.

My grandmothers were never educated. During their time, women were not given the chance to study the same way they would let the men in the family have it. Their brothers were all professionals but I have never seen them harbor grudges about it. My grandmothers came from a landed family but they never made a big issue on who grabbed their share of the properties. My grandmothers lived in this world with nothing and left also, with nothing.

But I give them all my reverence and the greatest of my love for being a part of the freedom I have now. They have given me more than wealth. Freedom - to express who I am in the face of rejection, fear, anger, pain and even pleasure.

A glance at the cemetery from the beach!

And I sigh with tears rolling down my face, "I should have given you more than what you gave me, my two Mamays!

Note: They became my grandmothers because their sister died after giving birth to my own mother. They took the responsibility of raising my mother and the rest of us.