series of push and pull

My heart is so so abused today!

I can't remember how many times I cried today! From the one great concern I got to the stupidest one, I realized that even if all the reasons I got are worth my tears, I just have to take it easy. For such a long time, I have always laughed at my concerns.

I was scared when I saw the sign at the Cashier's office in my son's school - "No check payment for the Final Exams". I should have known that, but still I tried talking it out with the Officer. Of course, I was rejected. I was trembling to see my son eager to get his permit from me because I know he will be frustrated. I see around announcement of the coming Halloween activities and I thought, "this is more scary than any Halloween experience" I ever had.

Then I lied to him, I said "I will be back to get money". I told him to study while he waits. I thought I was drooping when I was leaving him. I never lied to my children, at least about "coming back" for anything, so I know, he will expect me.

What is so horrible is that I do not know where to get money. So I went back to the vehicle and will drive and drive and see where my driving will take me. And my first batch of teardrops fell because the engine won't even start.

I cursed myself for being so childish. I cried when my friend helped me. I cried when I forgot to get my change from the gasoline station. I cried when I paid my son's tuition. I cried when I saw my son feeling relieved from stress. I cried when we were pushing the car to start. I cried every single minute until I got home.

I cried when I was alone. I cried when my friend came over. I cried when I talked to a friend on the phone and I cried. I did not know what was the "push" and "pull" anymore.

I just cried. Now I am very tired. I just have to abuse more of myself by writing this.

I think it was my season to cry!