simple recline

That is my father's rattan reclining seat. I cannot believe I am writing this piece for the 3rd time. I tried writing about it when I just got home from a long drive last Sunday in Kidapawan. When I am very tired I would usually abuse myself by tiring "me" more. I started writing about having a good rest on such a recline but I got distracted.

Yesterday, I have started writing about my father's reclining seat again, but I was disturbed by some thoughts about a friend. Well a bad feeling would want me to have a comfortable seat but again I was off. I really hope my children do not get my moods. They are males and I want them to be so focused and steady on their bearings.

Today, I feel so soundly sane that I have to write something about it. It is of course the simplest reclining seat one could have ever afford to buy. It is even less than 50 dollars. But because it is my dead father's favorite chair that reason makes me want to bring it home. I will bring it home here.

When I spread the seat that way (same as the picture) under the trees the last time I was there, I had a strange feeling that I am actually lying just like my father used to and in the same position. I can't help but think that what I was actually feeling is what my father felt when he was still alive. I was so conscious of my breathing like will I hear my father breath too? Will I hear his heartbeat when I am in silence lying on his bed?

My favorite position in bed is when I face to my right side and hugging a pillow and my right hand underneath a pillow. If a pillow is not present then it would be my hands clasped together and put it under my head.

I am amazed that his memory is so still alive in my psyche. Now I notice my father's most favorite things. They are not actually what I like in taste but because it was important to Tatay when he was alive, I am suddenly liking it for myself.

As I have mentioned, I have been so troubled for 2 months now. When my husband left for his assignment, that night my father was beside me in bed. But only in my dream.

And there is not much greater bliss I would want now but a simple recline.