an unfamiliar turf

As vast as infinite space,
it is perfect and lacks nothing.

But because you select and reject,
you can't perceive its true nature.

Don't get entangled int he world;
don't lose yourself in emptiness.

Be at peace in the oneness of things,
and all errors will disappear by themselves.

I thought loving a mother is an instinct. I also thought it is not a one heavy feeling. Moreover, I thought that if there were some rifts or fights, at least the connection will easily soften each others hearts. And I believe so for many other mother-child relationships.

I wrote this because of a long-standing issue I got with my own mom. Well I can talk to her, make her laugh or take care of her but I got really some strange feelings inside. That feeling leads me to ask if I was too sincere, was I really loving or am I just doing everything because it is some kind of duty.

Recently she was with me for some period of time and I thought I was so patient with her. Maybe the same way that she was with me. I also do not know if she really liked me. I do not know if this is "projection" from a psychological perspective but I do doubt her sincerity.

I knew her as cunning and selfish. She likes manipulating others. But what I really remembered that made me erase any trace of good thing she did to me was when she introduced me to her group of friends as her "ugly daughter". Of course you won't believe that. But there is no way I could make that story up. And knowing my mom she will be proud to say that "yes, I did say it". Grrrhhhhh. I do not know then how hurt I was. But of course, if she will say that again in front of me and friends today, I will proudly say "I got that from you". Har har har.

I am writing this not to document all the cause of the pain and anger I got from her. But to get into my senses and correct what has gone wrong along the way.

Now, I think we really have to cope with each other' s blunders. I thought to humble myself in accepting that she really is a different mom. So far from my ideal one.

I could also be a bad mom myself. I thought all the while that I am a good mom to my children, but during some episodes of fights with them, I get to realize that I was not at all good.

Maybe that's how the way it is.

For such a long time, I did not recognize what she did for me. I want us both healed. Maybe it is time.

Returning to the root, you find the meaning;
chasing appearances, you lose their source.
At the moment of profound insight,
you transcend both appearance and emptiness.

Don't keep searching for the truth,
just let go of your opinions.

With not even a trace of self-doubt, you can trust the universe completely
all is empty, brilliant, perfect in its own being.
In the world of things as they are, there is no self, no non-self.

The mind of absolute trust is beyond all thought,
all striving, is perfectly at peace,
for in it there is no yesterday, no today, no tomorrow.

Seng Ts'an (? -606)