I want Kaiser or his wife to read this:
Kaiser, I would like to thank you for all the things that you have done for me, Papa and your brothers. It was you who first introduced to me the joys of motherhood. And now that it is the end of my term, I do wish that you will do your best to be a great father to your children and husband to your wife. Hold on to your family as it is the most valuable one in this world. "Love, learn and live" with your wife and children. I hope you would do better than I am in raising your own.
As I write this (am still breathing), I feel that you are making me closer to my grave with your attitude towards me. I am still 45 but I am advancing this death sentence to myself because I do not feel in anyway important to you. I know there are so many things that could happen from today and until my last breath, but I still want you to know how I exactly felt today. An unselfish act maybe because I could be hurting you or Angelo and Karlsen. But I really feel so terrible, that I wish I were dead.
Don't you know that I sometimes feel that my only connection with you is that "hearing aid"? And because you deliberately does not want to wear it, then I guess that you do not want to do anything with me. I know it could not be what you are implying but it is just the way I am thinking and feeling right now.
You also know that it makes me really very angry if you do not wear that hearing aid. Right now, my heart is pounding fast, a little bit painful on the right, teary-eyed and feeling so depressed because of your disregard of that hearing aid. (That was before my death, right now I am breathless and cold, I could still say the same)
What is the fuss about that hearing aid, anyway?
Every time we fight about it (only because you do not want to wear it) you always say that I am the reason why you lost your hearing and that until now you just cannot accept the fact that you are.
If it makes you feel good that I am the reason for your grief and that impairment, it is alright with me. I am not perfect. I just want you to move on with it especially that I am dead now. Think of how you can attack this world with your charm and skills. That would do you more good than dwell on that impairment.
You are impaired. I hope by now you have accepted that fact. Because so am I. Since I was in elementary. That is why, I wear my eyeglasses because without it, I cannot see.
Oh God, what will I do with such a mind-set?
When you were in high school, I have to literally beg and borrow money from your Tito Omar just to buy a hearing aid. It was such a big deal for me that I did it for you. And even if you have shown defiance by not wearing it, I just have to submit myself on - again being a failure as a mother. I really think, you really hated me much. Again, because of that hearing aid.
Maybe you really do not need it for yourself but your doctors have been telling you, that in order for you not to lose your hearing on your right ear, you have to use that. I think since I am dead, this is probably the last time you are going to hear me say it. After this, I guess it is your choice.
Let me tell you that I have been proud of all that you have accomplished. For me, you are complete! Prove everyone that you are, indeed.
It is alright if you really do not wish to love me. I cannot force you to do that.
Tonight when you come home from work, I am going to talk to you about your moving out. You actually opened it up to me but I asked you to stay. I will give you your freedom.
I want to tell you, how good it is to live. Go on living, my son. Live for your self and family. If you have the chance, serve this country in a way you can.
When you go to your boarding house, you get my blessing. I think, you will be a better person outside of my care.
Let me get back to the hearing aid. Your second hearing aid is more expensive than your first (ha ha ha). Because your hearing went to a profound level. The doctor explained that to you. Why am I getting back to this?
Because during that time, I have to go to the banks and beg and borrow for it. It not only caused me such a pain in my pocket but came along the problems with my relationship with your father and coupled it up with my own personal issues.
That hearing aid that you do not wish to wear is my life. I do not wish you to feel guilty about it. I want you to wear it because it is your connection with me. I still want you to wear it because in my death, I want you hear me from where I am.
Whatever pain I have inflicted in you, I ask your forgiveness. From where I am, I will always intervene for your safety as well as your family.
Sorry that I have nothing else to leave, except that hearing aid.
Take care of yourself and your family. Love your brothers and father.
I am at peace now and I promise to move heavens (or maybe hells) to keep you safe and warm during your most troubled times. Think of me always and I will be running by you and your brother's side (in spirit, of course) . I now miss you and your brothers. Probably your Papa, too.
Note: I have another entry in my blog which is entitled "rumpling that anger away". It is in the January 2009 posts. I would wish Achie to read it after this.
As I write this (am still breathing), I feel that you are making me closer to my grave with your attitude towards me. I am still 45 but I am advancing this death sentence to myself because I do not feel in anyway important to you. I know there are so many things that could happen from today and until my last breath, but I still want you to know how I exactly felt today. An unselfish act maybe because I could be hurting you or Angelo and Karlsen. But I really feel so terrible, that I wish I were dead.
Don't you know that I sometimes feel that my only connection with you is that "hearing aid"? And because you deliberately does not want to wear it, then I guess that you do not want to do anything with me. I know it could not be what you are implying but it is just the way I am thinking and feeling right now.
You also know that it makes me really very angry if you do not wear that hearing aid. Right now, my heart is pounding fast, a little bit painful on the right, teary-eyed and feeling so depressed because of your disregard of that hearing aid. (That was before my death, right now I am breathless and cold, I could still say the same)
During my days with you as a mother, I cannot help but say most of the time that " I was such failure." I am so frustrated with myself. Please do not think that I am frustrated with you as you "picked it up" most of the time too.
What is the fuss about that hearing aid, anyway?
Every time we fight about it (only because you do not want to wear it) you always say that I am the reason why you lost your hearing and that until now you just cannot accept the fact that you are.
If it makes you feel good that I am the reason for your grief and that impairment, it is alright with me. I am not perfect. I just want you to move on with it especially that I am dead now. Think of how you can attack this world with your charm and skills. That would do you more good than dwell on that impairment.
You are impaired. I hope by now you have accepted that fact. Because so am I. Since I was in elementary. That is why, I wear my eyeglasses because without it, I cannot see.
Oh God, what will I do with such a mind-set?
When you were in high school, I have to literally beg and borrow money from your Tito Omar just to buy a hearing aid. It was such a big deal for me that I did it for you. And even if you have shown defiance by not wearing it, I just have to submit myself on - again being a failure as a mother. I really think, you really hated me much. Again, because of that hearing aid.
Maybe you really do not need it for yourself but your doctors have been telling you, that in order for you not to lose your hearing on your right ear, you have to use that. I think since I am dead, this is probably the last time you are going to hear me say it. After this, I guess it is your choice.
Let me tell you that I have been proud of all that you have accomplished. For me, you are complete! Prove everyone that you are, indeed.
It is alright if you really do not wish to love me. I cannot force you to do that.
Tonight when you come home from work, I am going to talk to you about your moving out. You actually opened it up to me but I asked you to stay. I will give you your freedom.
I want to tell you, how good it is to live. Go on living, my son. Live for your self and family. If you have the chance, serve this country in a way you can.
When you go to your boarding house, you get my blessing. I think, you will be a better person outside of my care.
Let me get back to the hearing aid. Your second hearing aid is more expensive than your first (ha ha ha). Because your hearing went to a profound level. The doctor explained that to you. Why am I getting back to this?
Because during that time, I have to go to the banks and beg and borrow for it. It not only caused me such a pain in my pocket but came along the problems with my relationship with your father and coupled it up with my own personal issues.
That hearing aid that you do not wish to wear is my life. I do not wish you to feel guilty about it. I want you to wear it because it is your connection with me. I still want you to wear it because in my death, I want you hear me from where I am.
Whatever pain I have inflicted in you, I ask your forgiveness. From where I am, I will always intervene for your safety as well as your family.
Sorry that I have nothing else to leave, except that hearing aid.
Take care of yourself and your family. Love your brothers and father.
I am at peace now and I promise to move heavens (or maybe hells) to keep you safe and warm during your most troubled times. Think of me always and I will be running by you and your brother's side (in spirit, of course) . I now miss you and your brothers. Probably your Papa, too.
Note: I have another entry in my blog which is entitled "rumpling that anger away". It is in the January 2009 posts. I would wish Achie to read it after this.
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